Afraid of who I am
by Tiddo-mus
Summary: This story is about Dean, a college student, who falls in love with a teacher, Castiel, but have a hard time accepting who he is. He has a very bad way of tackling his feelings. He takes his frustration out on Castiel. I'm so bad at summaries. It has Mature content in it, so don't read it if you feel uncomfortable with malexmale sex.
1. Chapter 1: A new school year, part 1

_Hi guys, this is my first real fanfiction. Hope it's not too boring and too long dragged out. This is really cliché, but I hope you'll like it. I won't write much about the classes, their subjects and what they learn in class because the American school system confuses me (I'm from Denmark, so it's completely different). Please tell me what you think. I was very concerned on whether I should post this, because I'm not sure it's any good. So please share your thoughts and you are welcome to point out mistakes I made. Just be nice._

 _If you don't like male on male sex, don't read it. Because there will be some kind of amount of that. I'm really bad with POV so it is all over the place. Hope it isn't too is gonna be pretty long as I already have written about 20 chapters. However, I'm gonna put them up here when I have the time to re-read and correct the mistakes I know I made. Probably not gonna be perfect anyway, but I'll try my best._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of the Characters. If I did Dean and Castiel would had kissed by now at least._

 _Now I will stop my rant. I'm just procrastinating anyway, I'm kinda scared to put this up here. I hope you'll enjoy it._

Senior year. Finally here. Dean had been held back two years because of... well... Some incidents that happened. which he may or may not have been actually involved in.

He was now 24 years old. Two years older than most in his year. That sucked, but it wasn't like he actually knew what he wanted to do when he finished college anyway. Probably just get a job in the Singer & Winchester garage.

Cars he knew about. He could fix an engine faster than the speed of light. But school, that was a whole other story. He just wasn't suited for the school life. It wasn't like he was stupid or anything, he just wasn't a fast learner, when it came to school. The only subject he was any good at was physics, because it was so technical and they did a lot of practical work. In all the other subjects he couldn't concentrate when sitting in class. So he always ended up, one way or another, disturbing class.

After years of feeling bad about who he was and how he bothered and annoyed both students and teachers. Everyone ended up seeing him as a rebel that didn't bother to do homework and was _too cool_ to pay attention in class. It wasn't like he enjoyed it, but in the end he figured he might as well live up to their expectations.

He didn't even want to go to college, it was his dad's idea, well, and Sammy's (It was probably Sammy who planted the idea in John's head). His dad didn't want him to end up like him in a junkyard of a garage as an underpaid and unappreciated mechanic, so he urged him to go to college. Dean couldn't say no to his dad. So that was what he did. Went to college. The only reason they could afford it was because of his football scholarship. That was the only thing at school he actually cared about. He just loved the feeling of running knowing that he had the fate of the game in his hands. In those 60 minutes he felt like he was worth something. Like he was good at something. Like he wasn't just an outcast nobody cared about.

It wasn't like he didn't have any friends. He hang out with the guys from the team. However, they just hang out because they were a team, they were supposed to. It wasn't like they actually cared about him. Maybe except for Benny, but they still weren't besties or anything.

Of course he also had Sammy, due to Dean being held back they were only two years apart school-wise. Then again, they lived completely different lives on campus. Sam was one of the nerds, a quite popular nerd, but a nerd nonetheless. He had also gotten a scholarship, but that was due to his brain. They lived in different dorms and hang out with completely different groups. Dean with the guys from the team, who were honestly just jerks and Sam with the nerds. Sam had actually made, being nerdy pretty cool.

Dean was quite lonely. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone, ever.

His day started off with English lit, he didn't really bother to pay attention. He had actually made all of his summer homework, but that was all the effort he could master. He got a lot of help from Sammy to understand it properly. He didn't even hand it in, before the teacher addressed him personally about, when he was about to leave. She just shook her head, Mrs. Moseley that is, she knew he had more in him than he let on. She could see it in the papers he turned in, but she had no idea what to do about him. Most of them was terrible, but she could really see he had the potential to do better.

At lunch he sat with his team mates, but he wasn't really in the mood to talk. Every time someone addressed him, he just played along and said what he thought might be the appropriate response.

As he was sitting there just staring into thin air, he noticed a teacher who seemed quite flustered dropping a whole bag of papers and trying to gather them again in a hurry. He had dark messy hair and he was wearing a way too big trench coat. The only thought he could muster at that moment was that he hoped he had classes with that teacher, then he would at least, have something to laugh at in class.

After lunch break he had advanced calculus. Again; his dad's idea, he still really didn't bother. He sat down at the back of the class and got ready to snooze off. He was so fed up with school. He just didn't fit in here. He was impatient to get this day over with. The first day after summer break was always unbearable.

He didn't hear the teacher enter, but he heard him trying to quiet down the class. He had to try more than once, but at the last try when he raised his deep voice the class fell quiet. Dean couldn't help looking up from his desk. He saw the dark messy hair pointing out in every direction and then their eyes caught each other. Green drowned in blue and blue in green.

When Dean broke free from the eye contact, he gulped and thought to himself; maybe this year was gonna be better.

 _Thank you for reading :) Please comment, it would make my day to know what you think_


	2. Chapter 2: A new school year, part 2

_The second chapter. Wanted to wait to post this after I had gotten some feedback, but I couldn't wait. So here it is. Hope you like it._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own jack or else Destiel would be a real thing._

Again, it's the first day, after summer break. It's one of the worst days of the school year. The students are either full of energy and can't keep quiet or they are completely lethargic. Either way they are unable to concentrate in class.

Castiel never understood why he ended up teaching. Ok, so he really likes to learn and he loves the idea of teaching other people the things he finds so fascinating. However, because of his complete lack of social life his "people skills" were "rusty", especially after a break.

He was 28 years old. He didn't really keep in touch with his family, he was always the odd one out anyway. Except for his brother Gabriel and that was only because he was the odder one out. He had graduated early from University because of his insanely high grades and his credit for the subjects he studied outside of school. That was the perks of not really having any friends or family to spend time with. You had a lot of time to study and excel in every subject.

His day started out in utter chaos. When he arrived at the bus stop he realized he had forgotten his bag at home. He had to go back and get it, which resulted in him being 15 minutes late. After being late it was like the students didn't' really take him seriously. At least not until he raised his voice, to the deep rumble it becomes when he raises it, just a little. He hates when he needs to do that.

At lunch he was already completely drained from energy. He didn't pay enough attention, which resulted in him walking straight into a garbage can and dropping his bag with all his paper all over the floor. He became very embarrassed and looked around hoping no one noticed. He just caught a glimpse of a green eyed, (good looking - no) boy looking away from him, as if he was staring at him just until then. How, he hoped he was wrong. That would be too embarrassing.

After lunch he was teaching advanced calculus. He really liked that, but to his dismay most of the students didn't share his enthusiasm towards the subject.

When he walked into the classroom everyone was talking loud and making a lot of noise. He tried to calm them by clearing his throat, then a little louder. When that still didn't work, he raised his voice and said "Quiet!". Everybody went silent when they heard his deep voice. They all got a little scared until they saw who it was. His voice didn't really fit with his dorky appearance. A lot of glances and smirks and grins were shared between the students. Great, another year, with another class that didn't take him seriously.

When the students turned to look at him, he noticed the same boy he saw in the canteen that day, during lunch. Their eyes met. It was like his eyes got stuck in the green of the boys eyes. It was such a beautiful color. He couldn't look away before one of the students in the front row cleared their throat.

For the rest of the lesson he couldn't help letting his eyes slide to the green eyed boy, Dean, he learned during roll call. During the whole period he could just feel Dean's sight on him. Castiel kept trying to straighten his hair, like it was because he looked weird, he got stared at. Of course he couldn't do anything about the hair, it had its own life.

Even after the lesson was over he couldn't stop seeing those green eyes. Like they were haunting him. Every time he closed his eyes they were there.

At this point he didn't really know if he looked forward to the next class he would be seeing Dean in or if he feared it. Only time could show which was the most accurate.

 _Thank you for reading it :) Please comment_


	3. Chapter 3: A teacher's concern

_So here is the third chapter. Hope you like it. Thank you for the few people already following this story. I hope I won't disappoint._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own anything, it's sad but true._

The first month of school after summer break went by way too fast. Dean discovered that he had 4 classes that Castiel was teaching, which the dorky teachers name was. Weird name. However, in his head, he had nicknamed him Cas. He also taught in religion, Biology and History. They had shared many stares and glares, throughout that month. Every time They made eye contact Dean couldn't help but smirk at the teacher. But besides starring into each other's eyes a little too long (those beautiful blue eyes), they hadn't even really talked to each other.

Still Dean wasn't particularly motivated in class not even in the classes Cas taught. He just couldn't bear to try harder and then disappoint, both himself and everyone. If he tried to do better and succeeded, he would be expected to keep doing better. He always ended up disappointing and he just couldn't bear that. He would much rather just never get anyone's hopes of. Then he couldn't disappoint them.

It wasn't like he was bad in school, if he was he wouldn't have been able to get the scholarship. He just didn't do anymore than the bare minimum, to keep his grates at a level so he could stay on the football team and actually pass his classes.

However, after a month, Castiel stopped Dean after class.

"Dean, can you stay a while after class so I may speak with you?" Dean, turned around, as he was at the door on his was out of the classroom and looked at the teacher with a wink in his eyes and a smirk on his lips.

"Yeah, sure" He said smirking. Castiel was relieved, he was afraid he would just have brushed him off.

"Are you doing alright, Dean?" Castiel asked with a concerned look at his face.

Dean was surprised by the question, he didn't think anyone really cared if he was. "Sure, I'm doing just peachy". He didn't actually know how he was doing. He just felt like his life, for the moment, was nothing but school, sleep and eat. Oh, and of course the occasional party and hook up.

When Dean didn't say anything more, Castiel frowned. Dean had noticed that frown. When he saw the teacher making that face he wished for nothing more than to cup his face and make his worried frown disappear... No, that wasn't what he wanted, was it?

Castiel was the one to break the silence. "Dean, I... Was concerned, with your... Inactivity during class..." There was a short pause where Castiel gulped and looked to the floor. It was hard for him to talk with Dean, he couldn't look him in the eyes and think at the same time, the color was just so (Beautiful) green. If he looked into them he was afraid he wouldn't be able to talk.

Dean smirked again. The teacher was concerned with him, but probably just because his inactivity annoyed him or something. That was how it always was. Most of the time it was enough to just seem like you were present and then the teachers kept on ignoring him, until of cause his attention wandered again. "Sure, I'll try to seem interested in the material..." Dean didn't think, he really didn't think his mouth just kept running. Dean didn't know what he was doing either, he walked the five steps towards the teacher and whispered the rest in his ear. "But in reality, I'll just be undressing you with my eyes and imagining what I could do to you on that desk of yours". Dean turned around and walked away. Leaving Castiel breathless and completely stunned.

Thank you for reading :) Hope you enjoyed it


	4. Chapter 4: Private tutoring

_The next chapter is here. I'm sorry about the slow pace and the short chapters, but that's just how I'm writing at the moment. I had to start somewhere and it's have been so hard for me to get myself together an actually post something._

 _Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, doesn't own either Supernatural nor the characters._

Dean had no idea what to do. He'd just told a teacher that he fantasized about him during class. He didn't, he really REALLY didn't. He'd never fantasized about a guy in his life. NEVER! And a teacher at that, a boring teacher. He would never. So why did he say that. Had he? No, he was sure of it, he was straight. Straight as a ruler. So why did he say that to the teacher. Dean couldn't wrap his head around it.

The next few weeks Dean barely showed up for classes. He stayed in his room a lot. The only one who really notices is Dean's roommate; Garth. Garth is an annoying junior, but he's ok, in Dean's book. Garth keeps out of Deans business and the other way around.

Of course Cas also notices, he could never admit it, but he misses the bright green eyes, of the boy who hasn't been to his classes in a little more than 2 weeks now. He's getting nervous for the boy. Wondering if he's ok.

Dean would never had thought it, but apparently Mrs. Mosely also noticed his absence from most of her lessons. He found that out, when one day during lunch time she knocked upon his door. As soon as Dean sees her, his smile falters. But soon the resigned expression on his face is replaced by a smirk. "Mrs. Mosely, if you wanted me so bad you should have just asked" he says smugly. Mrs. Mosely just rolls her eyes at him and forces her way through to his room. He just closes the door to lean against it and keeps the smirk on his face, waiting for a reaction from his smug comment. She completely ignores it.

"What are you doing boy?" she just asks. Deans smirk falters. He really doesn't know. He just can't look the blue eyed teacher in the eyes again, so the easiest thing to do, was to just not go to school. Dean just shrugs. She looks at him with pity, like she knows something is wrong with him. "You know, if you don't show up to class soon, you won't be able to stay on the team". It takes him a moment to realize she's talking about the football team.

"I... I will... Soon..." Dean stumbles on his words "I... I just need some time too...". Mrs. Mosely interrupts him. "I know Dean" she states. Dean is just about to panic. What if Cas had told the other teachers what he said. What if they're gonna throw him out. Dean's head is about to explode. This time his thoughts is interupted by Mrs. Mosely. "I have noticed, that you find a lot of the school work hard. I know that you're not stupid, but you find the teaching method we have here hard to grasp". She waits to see his reaction.

Dean lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Oh..." He doesn't know what else to say. Dean always knew he didn't fit in here, but he didn't know anyone noticed it. He just assumed that anyone thought he didn't want to fit in. He's a little bit confused, he thought she would confront him about how to properly address the teachers.

Mrs. Mosely just keeps talking "I think I know what you need. I think it would be good for you with some help a few hours each week. Of course we'll make sure it won't interrupt practise". Dean is confused, "help... with what?". Mrs. Mosely just chuckles at his confusion "You're gonna have a private tutor two times a week". Mrs. Mosely is walking towards the door Dean is still leaning against. "Who is gonna teach me?" Dean asks " and in which subject?". Dean doesn't really know how to feel about the whole thing.

"It has to be someone who can help you with whatever you need help with. The only person who have the time and is qualified for that is your teacher Castiel". Mrs. Mosely answers, before lightly pushing Dean away from the door and walking and leaving Dean in wild panic.

 _Thank you for reading :) hope you enjoyed. Please leave a comment if you like it, or if you don't. All comments are welcome. Have a nice day._


	5. Chapter 5: The tutor

_Hi :) Another chapter. Hope you enjoy it. Putting another more up soon (like in the next 15 minutes).Something is gonna happen in the next chapter... uhhh..._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own anything, sad but true..._

Ever since that day Castiel haven't been able to think straight while at work. Not really at home either. He just thinks about the boy with the green eyes. He's missed them in class. He have tried so hard not to. It's not appropriate for a teacher to have a favorite and especially not based on the eye color of the student. Castiel is ashamed of himself. What Dean said is still ringing in his ears, from time to time. It makes him blush. "But in reality, I'll just be undressing you with my eyes and imagining what I could do to you on that desk of yours". Oh god, Cas thinks to himself, you need to get yourself together and get it out of your head!

It's hard for Castiel to get Dean out of his head. You should think it had become easier, because Dean hasn't been showing up for classes. But after three days he found the opposite to be true, he can't help but to worry if he'll ever see him again. He just can't help but to worry about the boy. It's absurd, he's just one of his many students, but he can't help it. He knew it to be inappropriate, but he couldn't stop his worry.

About two weeks after the episode, the English lit teacher came to speak to him about the very same green eyed boy. Mrs. Mosely expressed her concern for Dean. "Castiel, have you noticed your student Dean Winchester have been absent from your lessons these past two weeks?" she asked him. Castiel thought it was only his classes he would be absent from, possibly because of the incident."Yeah, he has" Castiel confirms her worry, that it wasn't only in her classes. Mrs. Mosely sighs "We have to do something to help that boy. He has it in him, he's just too stupid to see it". Castiel got confused by the contradiction in her words. "What does he has?" Castiel asks confused. She chuckles, she forgot how, Dean Winchester wasn't the only one who was stupid and intelligent at the same time. "We need to get him some help, in the form of a private tutor or something... Do you have any time on your hands at the moment, Castiel?" Mrs. Mosely explains and asks. Castiel thinks hard. He really hasn't that much to do outside of work, except for the occasional dinner plans with his brother Gabriel, But would Dean really benefit from him if he tutored him? Castiel ends up agreeing. He can at least give it a try. And any way, he really want to drown in those green eyes again. He know it's a guilty pleasure, but it can't harm anyone if he looks Dean in the eyes while tutoring him.

Mrs. Mosely told Castiel she would take care of all the planning of the tutoring and talk with Dean about it. Castiel didn't see Dean for both Monday and Tuesday either, the next week. However, the following Wednesday he was told , by Mrs. Mosely, to stay after his last lesson to teach Dean. That day, Dean also showed in class and Castiel couldn't help but to look into those shining green eyes, who just looked back in that challenging way, Castiel had begun to yearn.

After all classes that day Castiel just waited for Dean in their appointed classroom. A small classroom, normally only used for club activities or tutoring. He waited for a quarter before he started to get concerned, that he might have gotten the wrong classroom number or even worse, that Dean wouldn't show. Just as he was about to open the door to see if he could see Dean anywhere outside, Dean burst into the room. They were standing there, completely face to face, their noses almost touching. Castiel's heart stopped beating as they locked eyes.


	6. Chapter 6: The encounter

_Another chapter, because I actually have energy today, even though I have been at work for 12 hours today... Hope you will enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own SPN or any of the characters, only in my imagination._

Dean had gotten a note from Mrs. Mosely, handed to him by Garth, that he had to be in room B4 by the end of lessons at Wednesday for his first private lesson. It said to bring all of his homework and the corresponding books. He decided to actually go to classes that day. If he couldn't avoid the teacher anyway, he might as well go to the classes. It wasn't like he had something better to do.

In religion he couldn't keep his eyes from the blue eyed teacher. Their eyes kept on catching each other. He started to get nervous for the lesson later on. He really hoped he could keep his mouth shut. If his eyes wasn't such a stupid(and beautiful) color, then it would have been much easier not to look at him. Not that he did. He didn't look at him.

At the end of the day he was headed towards room B4. He got to the door, but he had to gather his courage to open the door. He just stared at the door, like a deer caught in the headlights. After standing there for two minutes (which in reality had been ten) he burst through the door, before standing face to face with the green eyed teacher.

Dean, couldn't breathe. The air got caught in his throat. He couldn't do anything but just stare for an inappropriate amount of time. He took in the bright blue eyes. With his eyes he explored the blueness of the eyes, all of the dark spots and how they're dark blue near the iris, then they turn lighter, but deeper blue and then encircled in a darker blue almost black color. He could feel Castiel slow breath on his lips, which caused him to look at Castiel's full lips. He had to swallow to cover his uneven breath.

Dean can't help himself, he doesn't think, he just acts. He leans in, closing the distance between them, claiming the teachers lips. When their lips meet, Castiel is stunned for a second. After that second he returns the kiss. This makes Dean groan into the kiss. They kiss till they need to break away from each other to catch their breath. Dean throws his books and homework to the side and pushes Castiel toward the desk in front of the blackboard. Until Castiel stumbles and ends up half standing half sitting on the desk. Dean presses his knee between Castiel's legs, so that their groins presses against each other.

When Dean can feel Castiel's erection he smirks. "That happy to see me?" Dean whispers smugly, just besides Casitel's ear. Castiel Gasps, "No... I...". Dean presses their groins hard against each other and Castiel can't hold back a moan. Dean leans back from Castiel to look at him. He can see him blushing looking at his mouth. He liked it, Dean thinks to himself. He knew this teacher was gonna be a lot of fun. He moves his hands to Castiel's hips and He can feel Castiel react to the contact. He smirks again. He slides his hands up the sides of Castiels abdomen and chest, all the way past the shoulders, to his neck, until he is holding his chin and cheekbones in his hands.

Cas has been following his movement with his eyes. Until Dean's hands ends up holding Castiel's chin. Then Castiel lifts his eyes to Deans eyes. They make eye contact again and almost drown in each other's eyes.

It's like Dean wakes up from a trance and it dawned on him what he was doing.

Dean leans in slowly again and Castiel starts to too, until Dean changes direction and leads his mouth to Castiel's ear again. "Did you really think I would kiss such a faggot?" Dean whispers, while holding a tight grip on Castiel's chin. He can hear Castiel's breathing stop. Dean feels Castiel's dick up, through his pant and Castiel groans, a mix of pleasure and panic. Dean strokes a couple of times, turning Castiel's groans into moans. Then he takes a hard grip around Castiel's whole package and almost crush it. Castiel whines and Dean smirks at the power he has. "Did you really think, that I would be interested in a queer guy?" Dean says over Castiel's whining. "That's just wrong... And disgusting" Dean snarls.

He moves his head to look at Castiel again and the sight is soul crushing. Dean didn't know that his words could ever mean so much to someone, make someone look so lost, so fragile and so very lifeless. All the light in Castiel's eyes was gone. Tears streamed out of his eyes. Dean quickly let go of Castiel's package. Castiel Gasped by the realease. He looked completely defeated. Dean's smug look broke when he met Castiel's dead eyes. Castiel ran. Left Dean alone in the room, completely shattered by his own doing.

Dean sat down at the desk, with his head in his hands. He couldn't grasp what just happened. Why had he done that. He didn't know. He crossed some kind of line, or more than one line actually. He acted like a complete homophobe. He really wasn't, not usually at least. Sammy had a friend, Charlie, who was a lesbian, he was fine with that. He just... he didn't know what had happened to him. Castiel just woke some feelings in him he couldn't understand. He'd never felt this way before. It scared him shitless and made him do things he'd never do.

Dean picked up his books "FUCK!" he kicked away the trashcan on the way out the door. He went back to his room and went to take a shower. He undressed, but when he reached for his boxers he felt a wet stain in the front. A stain of precum. He had been aroused by the situation. Dean coursed, dropped the boxers to the floor and stepped into the shower. He needed to take care of himself, so he did and he felt like the world's greatest moron to ever exist.

 _It hopefully won't be too long before I post the next chapter. Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts it will really help me and make me happy._


	7. Chapter 7: Castiel's Breakdown

_Hi :) Another chapter. I was kinda unsure if I should finish putting this up. It takes a lot of effort for me to get it done. Not that it's that hard, but for me psychologically it's hard, as I'm not used to anyone reading my stuff. But then I realized that even though almost no one reads this and it still scares me that somebody might, it would be good for me to put this out there. Te challenge myself. So here it is the next chapter :)_

 _Disclaimer: I (obviously) don't own Supernatural or any of the characters :P_

Castiel ran crying to his car. He drove home, crying the whole way, at least it was only a ten minutes drive. Still not the safest, to drive in his condition. He couldn't believe what Dean had said. He couldn't believe the mean words and the actions. When he reached home he ran to his bed. Dropped all of his clothes to the floor except for his boxers. The worst part for him, was the erection he still had. He was so ashamed that after what he had just been through, his body still longed after the feel of Dean's hands.

It wasn't like he never jerked of, but it was so seldom he had the urge to. Today he had. He couldn't figure out why. He was crying for Christ sake, really more like sobbing, but at the same time his cock was throbbing for him to stroke it. He was crying, but there was a wet stain on his boxers, he felt like he would explode if he didn't get his release.

So he did. He stroked his length thinking of Dean. He knew how wrong this was. He knew what Dean just did shouldn't turn him on. Nevertheless, it did. He couldn't explain why. He stroked and he started panting and moaning. He was thinking of those green eyes, with the dark green ring encircling the lighter green color with the shining yellow flecks in them. Castiel thinks of their kiss, how aggressive Dean had claimed his lips, like they weren't for anyone but him to touch. How he groaned when the kiss was returned.

Castiel strokes harder and faster. He moans even more now, biting his lip, not to make too much noise. He becomes embarrassed even though there's no one here to hear it. He thinks of the way Dean stroked his length. He pants and moans hitching as if he needs more air. He's so close to his climax. Then he remembers the feel of Dean's hand when it crushed his package. The memory pushes him over the edge and he explodes over his hand and stomach.

Cas knows this is wrong. Dean is a student. Dean is his student. He was supposed to teach him. Not only is Dean his student, but he is also an awful person. He was the one to take initiative. He was the one to close the distance between them and he was the one to hurt him afterwards. He was probably just made fun of. How did Dean know that he is gay? How did he find out? Castiel couldn't wrap his head around it. Thinking it all through after his ejaculation, he felt completely destroyed after the day's events. He fell asleep on his bed sobbing, not sure he would be able to go to work tomorrow.

 _Thanks for reading :) I would really appreciate reviews, even if it's not positive feedback. Just wanna hear your thoughts about it. BTW I big, huge, giant, fat THANK YOU to Sevyfan1 for the review, it made my day, sorry for not mentioning you earlier. I am really sincerely happy that I have your approval. Love to you!_

 _I'm really sorry about the short chapters, but as I already wrote, I haven't posted anything here before, I didn't really know how this worked when I started to write it._


	8. Chapter 8: Dean repents

_Another chapter :) Didn't think I would have the energy to post this today, but thanks to Sevyfan1 I got the energy to post this. Thank you! And also thanks to horsegirl2430 for the review. You guys are the best! Hope you enjoy this!_

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of the charecters, it's sad but true._

Dean hadn't slept that night. He felt so bad for what he did. He really didn't know where it all came from. He couldn't get those sad, no, they were more than sad, destroyed eyes, out of his head. After taking care of himself, thinking of the blue orbs he couldn't get out of his head, he had been laying awake for hours speculating about the episode. He couldn't . He...

He fell asleep at about three or four in the morning. He felt like he had been sleeping on a rock. He didn't figure anything out in terms of, why he had done the things he did. However, he had figured, he needed to apologies and try and make amends for what he'd done.

When he arrived for the class Castiel was supposed to be teaching today, there was a replacement teacher instead. Dean cursed inwardly. Dean raised his hand. Everyone looked at him. They were used to him, never participating in the lessons. The teacher pointed at him " Winchester?" he just said. "Where is Castiel?" Dean asked. The teacher just shrugged "I think he is ill or something". The teacher continued the lesson, but were interrupted by Dean groaning. "What is it Winchester?" the teacher asks Dean annoyed. "I don't feel so well myself, can I go to the nurses office?" Dean tries to look ill. "Yeah, you can go" The teacher says, he'd heard enough about Dean Winchester to know that he didn't have the energy to try to stop him from leaving.

Dean didn't go to the nurses office, straight away. He goes to the counselor's office. He knocks on the door, not waiting for Anna, the counselor, to allow him in. "Winchester?" Anna said confused. She hadn't seen Dean in her office since he started at the school. He sat down in the chair across from her. "Why isn't Cas at work today?" He asks her. She Looks at him like she can't see what relevance, that have to... well... anything.

"He is ill at home. Why do you want to know Dean?" Anna says. Dean likes it better when she addresses him with his first name. "I just... I just really need to talk to him today!" Dean urges. Anna looks at him like she pity him. "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you. My hands are tied. We aren't allowed to give the teachers home addresses out without their consent." Anna looks sincerely sad that she can't be of any help. Dean can't take no for an answer "But I really need to see him!" he hammers his fist down on the table and makes Anna jump. "I'm sorry" He says, "I don't know what's gotten into me".

Anna takes pity on him, she can see it's something really important he needs it for so she writes it down for him and makes him promise to only do good with it. He leaves straight away almost running to the parking lot and jumping into his baby and driving to the address he just got from Anna.

He drives for about ten minutes, before he arrives. It's a small white, cozy looking little house. It looks like a true home, it looks happy. He rushes to the door, now extremely nervous about what to do or what to say. Before he can think more about it he, rings the doorbell and waits a couple of minutes before he can hear the rattling from the lock. As soon as Dean can see the door starting to swing open he starts talking "Cas, I'm... I'm so sorry about yesterday, I didn't mean it, I don't know what got into me or why I did... any of it...". Dean goes silent when he sees how terrible Castiel looks. He looks like he slept even less than Dean had. He has dark circles under his eyes, his hair is even more unkempt than normally and he is completely pale like a ghost.

 _Thank you for reading :) I think I'm gonna pu the next chapter up on Thursday._


	9. Chapter 9: The switch

_Hi :) I got myself together and posted the next chapter! :) I kinda think you might hate me after reading this, or maybe not... Who knows... Enjoy the chapter!_

 _Disclaimer: I don't own anything...Unfortunately..._

Castiel is about to just slam the door in Dean's face, but Dean catches it before it slams shut. Castiel is walking away from the door. Dean needs him to listen. He needs him to know that, that isn't how Dean normally is. He grabs Castiel shoulder and turns him around. Their eyes meet yet again and the sparks fly.

Dean Gasps, he can't not look into those eyes. Castiel looks annoyed that he is disturbed in his own home. He is about to say something to Dean, about him leaving. Before the words cross his lips, Deans lips slams against his and he forgot anything about how he was feeling and about... who should leave? Surely no one!

Dean kisses Castiel savagely he runs his tongue along Castiel's lips and press against them to gain entrance. Their tongues meet in a struggle about who has the control. Castiel is too exhausted to keep the struggle up and let Dean take the control. As soon as Dean have the control he pulls away to look into those beautiful blue eyes. He thinks about what he wants to do to Castiel.

Dean's switch is flicked. He can't help what he is doing. He can't stop. He run he's fingers down the sides of Castiel's torso, down to his hips, which he grips and pulls Castiel tight. Castiel gasps at the movement and their groins rubbing against each other. Dean bites hard down at Castiel's neck, making Castiel gasp again. Dean just stands there sucking and biting down on Castiel's neck while rubbing their groins together. They both start panting more and more.

When Dean has made a really big love bite on Castiel's neck, has marked him his, he needs more. More of Castiel. He pushes Castiel against a wall and practically rips of his T-shirt. He goes down on Castiel biting and kissing all the way down to the start of his sweats. He begins to remove his sweats and then his boxers kissing down his thighs. Castiel is now completely naked, panting fiercely and his erection is throbbing painfully. Dean takes a step back and takes a minute to take in all the beauty of his blue eyed teacher.

Dean can't... He just... He can't. This is so wrong he's straight. How can he want a male body. How can he look at it and think that it's the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He can't. He isn't. Because he would never do that.

Dean looks Castiel in the eyes smirks and starts unbuckling his belt. He pulls Castiel out from the wall, pushes him down to his knees takes his dick out and thrust it inside Castiel's mouth. He violently fucks Castiel's mouth. Castiel groans and try to move his head away, but holds his head in place. Dean can feel Castiel gagging, but it doesn't stop him, it just turns him on even more , making him thrust even harder. When he's close he pulls out of Castiel and pulls him to his legs again. He can see that the rough handling of Castiel mouth have made his eyes teary, which almost makes him release here and now.

Dean turns Castiel around and slams him hard against the wall again. He moves his hand to Castiel's mouth "suck!" he orders. Castiel's sucks on his fingers as if his life depended on it. He is so turned on, by Dean's harsh handling. After letting Castiel suck on them a while, he pulls Castiel's abdomen out from the wall and shoves his chest against the wall, so he's slightly hunched towards the wall.

Dean parts his butt cheeks and presses one of his fingers against Castiel's entrance. Castiel Groans loudly. Dean moves his finger and Castiel's groans turns into moans of pleasure. Dean can't wait anymore. He needs his release soon. He places his member on Castiel's entrance and thrust inside in one hard thrust. Castiel shrieks and pants"No! Dean... No... I'm not... I'm not ready!". Dean doesn't care right here and now.

Dean places his hand so it covers Castiel's mouth, it dims all of his sounds. Dean can feel the tears run down Castiel's cheeks, but he doesn't care. He starts thrusting, the sounds Castiels makes just makes him go even faster. He can hear Castiel's protests turning into moans of pleasure and he removes his hands from his mouth. He fists his hands in Castiels hair instead, pulling his head backwards making his panting even more desperate. Castiel's moans turns into pleading, for dean to go faster and harder "Dean... uhm.. Harder... Please.. orh... Dean... yeahs... Deeeean..." Dean obeys and rams into Castiel with all that he's got. "Yeah, you like that you little whore! You're MY little slut!" Dean whisper into Castiel's ear. He can feel Castiel moving himself against Dean harder. He can feel Castiel close to his climax. Dean grabs Castiel's cock and strokes it until his entrance tightens around Deans erection which makes Dean finally releases into Castiel.

 _Thank you for reading :) Hope you enjoyed it... Again, it was pretty hard for me to post this chapter, because of... well more than subtext... Like a lot more... I hopefully won't be too long before posting the next chapter!_

 _A great thank you to Sevyfan1! You make this so much easier and you make this go so much faster! Because if I was more afraid to post these I would probably procastinate more. So a big fat thank you, to you!_


	10. Chapter 10: Shit happened

_Hi :) Another chapter up! I am trying to get the chapters up fast, so that you don't have to wait too long for them. I hope you enjoyed the last chapter. I was kinda afraid to post it, because of the... the smut... There's is gonna be quite a bit of it... Hope you guys will still enjoy it. A great thank you to Sevyfan1, who is a solid support for me in posting this story and also a big thank you to you who have faved and followed! Thank you so much! Every time I get a mail that says somebody have followed, faved or reviewed I get so excited and stupidly happy, that I squeal with happiness._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own anything at all, except for in my imagination._

Dean leans to rest against Castiel, still with his shaft buried in Castiel's ass. Dean can feel him shaking. Dean starts feeling nauseous. What did he do? WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST DO!? He'd just had sex with his teacher. He had even liked it. He... Dean's mind just broke apart. He was still standing, connected with Castiel. He pulled out fast gripped his clothes, basically threw it on and ran out the door, leaving Castiel alone. Right before he ran out the door he looked back towards Castiel. Castiel had turned around, so he had his back towards the wall, starting to slide down to the floor.

Dean hated himself for what he'd done. He did not enjoy being with a guy! He DID NOT! He needed to think. He ended up driving around in his baby for hours. However, it didn't help. He couldn't figure out how, every time he saw Cas, he just went crazy. He was lost. When he thought of his Angel he couldn't get their last encounter out of his head and his dick would start twitching. Wait... Had he just thought 'his Angel?'. He had to get the teacher out of his head.

When Dean arrived at his dorm room he went directly to bed. Unable to sleep he was just laying there trying to forget.

Castiel was so confused. He couldn't help the tears welling up in his eyes. He had liked it! He had really liked it! It was his first time and it had hurt like hell, but it had felt so good. However, he couldn't help all the feelings welling over him now. He was struck so hard, by the sadness. His first time hadn't been all that special. Not with a boyfriend. Not with someone he was hopelessly in love with or knew he would spend the rest of his live with. Not with someone who loved him or even cared for him. Dean had called him a slut and before that a faggot and had expressed pretty clearly that he didn't care for him at all.

He felt so empty. Tears fell from his eyes.

He had no idea what to do, he felt so lost. He hadn't ever thought about how his first time should be. He hadn't dreamt of it being with the love of his live or something like that. But he definitely hadn't thought that it would've been with one of his students, just screwing him against his hallway wall, calling him a slut and just leaving, without even sparing him a glance. He felt so ashamed, hollow and empty. He really felt like a slut. Dean made him feel like so small and worthless.

Castiel stumbled to his bed and crouched under the covers. Hiding his tears away from the rest of the world. Crying himself to sleep.

 _Thank you for reading! :) Please review, it makes my day! Even if it isn't a positive comment I just wanna know what you think. Sorry that it is a little short, but this was where I wanted to cut it... So sorry not really truly sorry :P I will hopefully post the next chapter pretty soon._


	11. Chapter 11: Dean's confusion

_Hi guys :) Sorry about the very late update. I haven't been feeling well lately and have been very stressed. That's why it took some time to upload this. Hope you will enjoy. I will probably upload another chapter tomorrow or later today, to make it up to you._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own anything, sadly._

Dean didn't show up for the rest of the week at school. He didn't show for the private lesson on Friday either. He tried to drown his feelings in beer and whiskey and woman. He got really drunk Friday evening and took a chick back to his room. "Get out!" he snarled at Garth and Garth had just gotten up and left. He pushed the Girl, he couldn't even remember her name, down on the bed. He placed his legs in between hers, pushing his groin against her. He didn't feel a thing. Nothing happened with his dick. He opened his pants and pulled her head to his cock and she stared sucking eagerly. Still nothing happened. He started thinking about teary blue eyes, about pressing his body against his Angel. At once he got an erection. He pushed the girl off, of him. Once again, he yelled "Get out!".

Dean was just lying on his bed with his pants open and his erection out. A single tear rolling down his cheek. He surrendered to his desires and thought about his Angel. He was imagining Castiel's mouth on his cock. He stroked until he came undone just thinking about the blue eyed teacher.

What was happening to him. He had always been a ladies' man, but now he couldn't get it up for anyone but the teacher. He was so screwed.

Dean had to get back to school on Monday, he had to (see his Angel) catch up on lessons so he wouldn't fail.

After his first class, he was supposed to go to his biology class. He really didn't want to see Castiel, so he tried to avoid going. However, Mrs. Mosely had another idea of what was supposed to happen. She had taken it upon herself to see to it, that Dean went to all of his classes. She had a soft spot for the kid and she really didn't want him to ruin his life because of a bad period of his college years.

That's how he got to his biology class that day, Mrs. Mosely practically dragged him from his previous class to his seat in Biology class. She even stayed until Castiel arrived.

When Castiel arrived at the classroom, he couldn't help noticing that Mrs. Mosely was in his classroom, which confused him. For a moment he was afraid he had gone to the wrong classroom. Until she greeted him and explained in a whisper that she was there to ensure that Dean went to his classes. Castiel couldn't help feeling grateful towards Mrs. Mosely. He really didn't want Dean to stay away from his classes, or other classes for that matter, but he really wanted to be near him, however crazy that sounds.

For the whole lesson both Dean and Castiel kept sneaking peaks at each other. They couldn't keep their eyes away from each other. Castiel knew how wrong it was, but he couldn't help but feeling this twisted attraction towards his green eyed student. Dean, however, would never admit that it was because he felt attracted to the teacher. He just felt bad for what he had done and mad because he made him feel all kinds of confusing feelings.

Hope you liked this chapter :) I'm gonna hurry up and post the next as soon as possible. Thank you for the reviews Sevyfan1 and chelyturner1! It always makes my day to read reviews! Also thank you to those who follow and faves. Have a great day everyone!


	12. Chapter 12: The obedient Angel

_Hello people :)Here you have a new chapter. I think some of you are gonna hate me after this chapter and also after reading some of the following chapters. I hope you'll like it anyways. I think this is the longest chapter I have put out until now, yay. Anyways, here it is!_

 _Disclaimer: I Really wish i did, but I don't own Supernatural or any of the characters from the show._

After the biology lesson it was lunch break.

Dean had been sitting on needles all the way through the first half of the lesson, just aching to get up and get away. That had changed halfway through the lesson. They had been working on a problem individually, when he felt someone watching him. He looked op and again, green met blue, and sparks were flying. He couldn't help remembering. He had tried to lock it away in the far back of his mind, but suddenly the memory made his member throb. He had to adjust the way his pants was confining his erection, to make sure no one could notice.

Castiel had been stealing glances at Dean all through the lesson, but when the students were doing the problem he had given them, he thought it safe to stare at the boy, just a little. He thought wrong, after just five seconds of staring Dean turned his sight towards him and it felt like the air was punched from his lungs. He was happy all the students were looking down at their papers and not in his direction, because his cock was stirred from the memory of Dean's hands on his body.

The lesson ended and nothing more had happened. Dean rushed out of the classroom without as much as looking at Castiel, before any of the other students even got out of their seats. Castiel also rushed out of the classroom, without saying proper goodbye or anything to the rest of his students.

When Castiel passed the janitors closet, he was gripped in the shoulder and pulled inside. He heard the lock turn. When he found his footing again, warm familiar lips was pressed against his. "Oh my god... Cas..." Dean moaned in between kisses "I have been wanting to do this to you... through the whole lesson". Dean placed kisses down Castiel's chin towards his neck biting and sucking on the, almost faded, bite mark he left there at their last encounter. Castiel moaned at the faint pain.

Castiel had been startled, but had accepted it soon after Dean started biting and sucking at his neck. He had promised himself, that if it should happen he would reject Dean. He just... He couldn't. It was like he needed it. Like he needed Dean to touch him. He needed to feel his hands caress his body and marking him his.

After Dean had marked Castiel his. His Angel... He hurriedly shook the thought out of his head. "On your knees" Dean ordered his teacher. Castiel fell to his knees, desperate to please Dean. "Take it out!" Dean ordered. Castiel clumsily and hurriedly unbuckled Dean's belt and slowly pulled out Dean's throbbing erection, afraid of doing something wrong. "Now use your mouth" Dean ordered again and Castiel did. He sucked as if his life depended on it. Castiel moaned against Dean's cock and made Dean moan too. "Yeah, you like that, you little slut" Dean moaned fisting his hands in Castiel's hair thrusting deep down Castiels throat. " Yeah, you like sucking dick... orh... mhhm... Play with yourself for me!" Dean was so close.

Castiel Fumbled with his belt, but in the end he managed to get his cock out of his pants. He started stroking and couldn't help shaking a little and moaning from the pleasure. The pleasure of touching himself and taking Dean's Cock deep down his throat, in the janitors closet, at the school.

Dean took in the sight of his Angel touching himself and taking all of him in his mouth. He was close. He started mouth fucking Castiel's mouth ferociously, holding his face in place while thrusting. That made Castiel groan and it pushed Dean over the edge "Yeah... orh... mhhm... swallow... orh... My Angel... hmmmhhhmm... My little slut... Orh...". Dean came undone down Castiel's throat and that made Castiel shoot his load all over his hands and on the floor of the closet and the edge of Dean's shoes.

Castiel looked up at Dean. They locked eyes again, both panting heavily. The feeling they both felt right then and there was bliss. They felt such affection towards one another, nothing could compare. Nothing neither had felt before. They looked at each other like they were each other's world, right then and there.

However, for Dean, that feeling was soon replaced by panic and fear. He couldn't deal with it, he did what he always did when he got scared. He got mad. He took Castiel by the hair and looked him in the eyes, like he was a dog who had chewed one of his shoes apart. "What have you done?" Dean asked madly, "You wanna ruin my shoes? Clean up after yourself!" Dean snarled.

Castiel was confused. He had felt their connection a few seconds prior. He didn't know what he had done wrong. He did as he was asked. He had tried so hard. Dean pushed his head downwards so Castiel could see the mess he had made on the floor and on Dean's shoes. He swallowed, and tried to look around, but he couldn't Dean's grip held his head in place, looking down at the mess in front of him.

"Dean I need some paper or something to wipe it off..." Cas started, but was cut off by Dean. "There isn't anything in here" Dean answered. " Then let me go out and get something for you" Cas suggested. The bell rang. They both felt silent for a moment, they had to hurry now. "Use your mouth!" Dean ordered. Castiel looked at him like a kicked puppy. Dean could surely not mean that seriously, he thought.

Castiel was wrong. Dean had meant it. He was, so mad at him, for making him feel like this. Feeling these things he shouldn't be feeling... For a guy. "Dean, you surely can't..." Cas was cut off. "Aren't you in a hurry? Haven't you got a class to teach? Then get licking! You aren't going anywhere, before my shoes..." Dean got an idea " and the floor is spotless. Now clean up your mess".

Dean smirked. He didn't think Castiel would do it. He thought he might get mad at him or sad and leave. He had never expected him to obey. That's why, when Castiel tried to move his head towards the floor, Dean still had a tight grip in his hair. "You have to let go of my hair, if you want me to clean your shoes." Castiel said defiantly. Before Dean completely taken a back, let go of Castiel's messy hair and just stared at his Angel, while he bowed towards the floor starting to lick his own semen of Dean's shoe. Dean couldn't look away, it was like he was under his spell. When Dean's shoe was clean Castiel hesitated for a minute, gulping, before starting to lick the floor.

Dean couldn't stay here looking at his Angel licking the floor. It was too much. It turned him on again and at the same time it made him sick to his stomach. He closed his pants, rushing out of the closet, before Castiel was Done cleaning the floor. Luckily there was no one in the corridor, good thing the lessons had already started. Dean rushed to his dorm room, taking a cold shower, to calm his erection. So it wouldn't show at football practice later. He was feeling like a rotten human being. He was full of self loathing, because of what he had made his Angel do.

Castiel stayed after Dean left, cleaning the rest of his mess by mouth. He didn't know why. It wasn't like Dean would know if he cleaned the rest with paper. He just wanted to obey Dean's order. He wanted to please him. He wanted him to praise him for doing his bidding. When the floor was cleaned completely, he went to teach his next class. Making up a stupid excuse, that he had had an important phone call to answer. Trying to ignore the empty feeling in his stomach.

 _I hope you enjoyed the read. :) I would really appreciate some feedback on this. Had a hard time posting this. Or rather I feel kinda embarresd to post it. Thank you to all of those who followed and faved. LOVE YOU!_

 _I will post a new chapter as soon as I can make time for it!_

 _Hope you are all doing well out there. Be well and happy!_


	13. Chapter 13: In the classroom

_Hi everyone :) Here's another chapter. I know that some of you are displeased with the wayDean is treating Cas and I completely understand. I just wanted to tell you, that it is. at some point, gonna get better. I won't say anything about when or how, but just be patient. BTW am I the only one who is dying to see the first chapter of season 12, after seeing the promo and the pictures? I feel like exploding, that's how much I'm looking forward to watching:)_

 _Disclaimer: I obviously don't own SPN or The characters :(_

A week went by. Nothing happened and both started to feel like they needed to feel each other soon. Castiel still utterly ashamed and Dean still in complete denial.

After a religion lesson where Dean and Castiel had been eye fucking at every giving opportunity, Dean waited for all the other students to leave the classroom. Castiel catching the glimpse in Dean's eyes waited as well. He wasn't in any hurry, as it was the last class of the day.

When the classroom was empty except for the two of them, Castiel had gone to lock the classroom after that they just stared at each other. Dean was sitting on his desk and Castiel was leaning against his. Again, it was like a power play, who would be the dominant one. Castiel already knew he was going to lose. He was, after all, the one marked by Dean. Dean's slut. He felt too ashamed, by his own feelings, to be the one in charge. He knew what he did was wrong, he knew that he should never touch a student, but he also knew that he couldn't leave Dean alone altogether.

When Castiel looked down, Dean smirked. Dean waited for Castiel to look up at him again, he slowly raised his sight, looking at him submissively. Dean liked that look. He could just eat Castiel up.

"Take of your clothes!" Dean ordered "Slowly". Castiel loosened his tie, pulled it over his head and threw it to the corner of the room. He pulled his tan trench coat of slowly, one sleeve at a time. He unbuttoned his shirt slowly one button at a time. Dean was going crazy. The guy was good at stripping. Castiel continued, throwing one piece of clothing at a time until he was completely naked. He was already hard, just by standing completely bare in front of Dean, who looked like he was eating him with his eyes.

Castiel's strip show made Dean crazy hard. His cock was throbbing and it was hard not to do more than looking at Castiel. "Get on your desk." Dean commanded "Play with yourself". Castiel crawled on top of his desk, without hesitation. He placed himself, on his back, resting on his elbow, with his legs widely spread in Dean's direction, so he could see everything. Dean caught his breath by the sight. He was looking at Castiel with lustful eyes and groaned.

Castiel started very slowly stroking his erection. He couldn't help but moan, it was just so naughty, how Dean was eating him with his eyes while he was playing with himself. Castiel was breathing heavily now. "Play with your ass too." Dean urged with at shallow breathing. He was trying not to seem too excited.

Castiel wasn't sure how to go about it. He hadn't really done that before, when he'd been masturbation. He had always been afraid of it hurting and when Dean took him, at his house, that fear was confirmed. Sure the pain turned into pleasure, eventually, but that didn't make him any less scared.

He hesitated a little, Dean gave him a look, and his need to please Dean took over. He remembered how Dean had made him suck his fingers, before inserting them into him. He put his fingers into his mouth and started sucking seductively. After a while he moved one of his fingers to his entrance. He hesitated a while again, but not too long, then he pushed against his entrance and entered with his finger. He moaned aloud and closed his eyes, keeping his finger still until he got used to the feeling, before he started moving slowly in and out.

Dean was so turned on by Castiel playing with himself. He had to take his own erection out, releasing it from the pressure of his tight pants. He started stroking, his breath got heavy and he couldn't hold his moans back anymore. His Angel was just so damn sexy.

When Castiel heard Dean's moan, he had to look at him. He opened his eyes and saw Dean stroking his hard member, staring at him with lust in his eyes. Castiel hastened his stroking and his thrusting with his finger. The one finger wasn't enough anymore. He stopped for a second to slip one more in. He started thrusting hurriedly again. Moaning like a complete mess. He entered one more finger and he almost couldn't handle it anymore.

"Please Dean...Please..." Castiel was panting hard and moaning. Dean almost exploaded when he heard Castiel's begging. "You have to tell me what you want, Cas." Dean said with a smirk, he was pretty sure he knew what he wanted, but he wanted Castiel to say it.

"Dean I need you... I need you!" Castiel moaned desperately. "Need me for what?" Dean teased. "I need to feel you... Dean... hmmhmh... orh... I need you, Deeean..." Castiel had become a moaning mess. Dean kept on teasing. "What... hmhm..." Dean couldn't keep his moans back anymore either. "...orh... What... you want me to do? mhhmh... Cas... tell me..." Dean urged. Castiel was so desperate now, that he couldn't even bother to be embarred, even though he still knew how wrong this was. How wrong he was to be begging one of his students for something like this, but he couldn't help it. Dean had him by his... well... his Dick.

"Dean... I need you... Inside me... please... Dean... Fuck me... hmhmhm... orh... Please... Put your cock inside me!" Castiel got more and more desperate. He wanted to make sure he said the right thing, so Dean would just fuck him. "I want to feel you.. Inside of me... I want you to penetrate me... orh... I need you... I need your cock in my ass... hmhmh... orh... Fuck me... orh... right now... Please Dean... DEAN!". That was it. Dean couldn't torture Castiel anymore. He was too turned on by Castiel's begging, he had to have him right now too.

Dean took five long steps towards the teachers desk and stopped right in front of Castiel, to take the sight of him in one more time. Enjoying the sight of his widely spread legs. Spread only for him. Before burying his stone hard erection inside of him. He could hear Castiel gasp when he entered him. He waited a while before starting to move, so Castiel could get used to the feel of his cock inside him. Castiel whimpered and turned Dean even more on, if possible. He took Castiel's face in his hands gently placing his lips upon his, just before he started moving slowly. They both started moaning into the kiss. They deepened the kiss feeling each other's tongues. Dean gently nibbling on Castiel's lower lip.

Dean sped up his thrusting until he was slamming inside Castiel with all he got. He could feel Castiel on the verge of releasing. He took Castiel's cock in his hand stroking forcefully until Castiel came undone in his hands. The tightening around Dean's throbbing member made him release a moment after Castiel did.

They were standing together, still connected and panting heavily. Castiel had put his arms around Dean as they came. Holding him close, pulling him down towards him, locked with his lips against his. They just kissed for a while. While they both came down from their high. They slowly broke apart. Looking into each other's eyes, like that was how they were meant to be forever.

Dean was the first to break the connection they had. He kissed down Castiel's cheek. He couldn't hold back. At this moment, he wanted to show Castiel some sort of devotion. Even if it was just a small gesture. He kissed down his neck. His chest. His stomach and ended by the puddle of come on his abdomen. He looked up at Castiel as if to tell him, what he did now had some sort of importance.

Dean stuck out his tongue and started licking up the mess on Castiel's abdomen. Castiel understood what that meant. It was a gesture. A gesture to show that they were more equal than their... Relationship... if that was what you called it... sometimes seemed to be. It was like Dean was saying, that he too, was willing to embarrass himself, if that was what was needed of him to keep... what they had going.

It wasn't much but it was a start.

Unfortunately, Dean, as always, had a hard time accepting what they were doing, after having his release. It was like his head seemed clearer afterward and thought of other people finding out got to him. When he had cleaned Castiel's stomach, he pulled out grapping his stuff, putting on his pants properly and storming towards the door.

Castiel got so confused, like last time, he thought they had a moment. A moment where, he was sure they both just knew, that they were perfect together. Apparently not. Tears started to form in his eyes, but he kept them in.

Dean stopped by the door, "Hey, you should get your close on before I unlock the door, or else everyone will know what a whore you are.". For Christ sake, what was he saying. He did it again. He didn't mean to. He turned around, watching Castiel getting dressed. He had his back against him, so Dean couldn't see his face, but Dean was quite sure he could hear a sniffle.

Dean's heart fell. He couldn't bear the thought of Castiel crying. Least of all because of something he did or said. Then again he couldn't... He just... He couldn't... "I'm sorry", Dean muttered, when Castiel was fully clothed, right before he opened the door and left the room.

Castiel was left alone and broken.

Thank you for reading :) See some change is happening... Just very slowly :P I hope you enjoyed it.

If you have anything to comment or something please review. It means the world to me, when I get an e-mail saying I got a review.

I hope you are all doing good! Love to all of you, whoe take their time to read my fic!


	14. Chapter 14: A trip home

_Hello :) here you have another chapter. Just wanted to post another one before I go to bed, because I'm not sure when I'll be able to post another chapter. It's always kinda hard to know because of work and I was ill Friday, so maybe they'll be behind schedule now...A good thing though is that I finally got my car (bought a brand new car! SO HAPPY!)So maybe I'm gonna have more energy to post and write, cause I'll have half an hour to work instead of on and a half. So that's great :)I hope everyone is fine and happy! I wish you all the best!_

 _Disclaimer: I don't own s***, unfortunately..._

Dean had done it again. But it felt worse than the last time. He felt so guilty. He needed a break. He needed to get away. That weekend he and Sammy took a trip home. They arrived in Lawrence, Kansas late Friday evening. They were greeted by their dad and their uncle Bobby.

They were eating dinner together. It was a long time since they had had a home cooked meal. It was good to be home. Here everything was as it always had been. Here there was nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be ashamed of. It could be hard to be home because the house still was full of memories of their mom. Sammy was, in a way, lucky. He didn't remember her, he hadn't been more than two years old when she had died.

Dean remembered her, very vividly. The hugs she used to give him, the smile she had when she saw him and the pie she used to make. That was the reason he loved pie, it reminded him so much of her and good old times.

Since she died, his dad hadn't been the same. He had been much harsher. The way he raised them had changed. He was still their dad, but at the same time it was like he was raising soldiers. When Dean had cried when their mother died, his dad had told him not to cry in front of Sammy. He had told him to be strong for Sammy. He hadn't been allowed to cry. Since then he hadn't ever really cried. He had, once in a while, let a single tear slip, but never really let his tears fall.

They were seated around the dinner table talking, but Dean wasn't really invested in the conversation. The conversation fell silent. "Dean!?" Bobby's voice got through to him. "I'm sorry, what?" Dean had been thinking about old times and those blue eyes... "How are you doing? You look a little beat." Bobby said. "I've been doing fine" Dean lied. Bobby didn't buy it, "You've hardly touched your food, what mess have you been caught in now, you idjit?". Dean didn't know what to answer, so he hesitated, thinking about a way to evade the question. "He have been absent from school quite a lot" Sam announced nonchalantly. Dean sent him a glare. "What have you?" John raised his voice. "I have had a really bad cold, I..." Dean agued. "That's not what the teachers are saying" Sam cut in. Of course Sammy talked to the teachers. They had probably asked if he knew why Dean was absent. If he only had called in sick. "well, I was..." Dean defended himself.

John looked furious, but didn't talk more about it. They were eating in peace, for a while. Dean wanted to find something out. "Sam, how's it going with you friend Charlie?" Dean asked. "She's fine" Sam answered "She's got a new girlfriend, named Dorothy. Right now she's on cloud nine." Sam answers. "Good for her" Dean answers " Is there ever anyone giving her trouble, because of you know..." Dean hesitated, he couldn't speak the words. Sam caught on to what he meant "Her sexuality?" Sam asks. Dean just nods, keeping an eye with Bobby and John. "Not really" Sam answers " Well, once in a while the seniors tease her a little, but she's good at averting it". Bobby nods, smiling "Good for her." He comments "Everyone should be able to be who they really are without being afraid or ashamed". Bobby just looks at Dean knowingly. Dean shrugs, like he doesn't know what he's insinuating. John frowns a little at it "Yeah, of course they should." he says "but they shouldn't flaunt it in other people's faces". Bobby frowned at John's statement. The conversation stopped there and it didn't make Dean more comfortable with who, he was starting to think, he might be. He sighted and excused himself, saying he was tired from the drive home.

Dean was standing against the window sill, by the open window of his room, when he heard a knock from the door. He ignored it. "Dean I'm coming in" Sammy said through the door, before opening it and walking through. He went to Dean's side and rested his backside against the wall, looking at his brother. "Dean, what's up with you?" Sam asks, he's looking worried. Dean just shrugs. He doesn't know how to explain. Sam just waits for a while. "Dean you know, you can tell me everything..." Sam says with conviction in his voice, after a while.

Dean chuckles a little and ruffles Sammy's hair. Sammy tries to frown, but can't help to let out a chuckle. Right now he would much rather have Dean annoying, than sad. "Yeah, Sammy, I know" Dean said and let out a deep sigh. "The problem right now is that I can't even make myself speak the words out loud" Dean sighs again. Sam looks at him, with sad eyes. He's feeling bad, that his brother can't just accept who he is and feel good about it. Sammy has always noticed that Dean never really loved himself. He have always felt inferior to anyone else. He had always been hiding behind his macho facade. Hiding his self loathing behind harsh words and smug remarks. He just can't see what Sam sees in him. Sam admires him and loves him. He really looks up to him.

Sammy puts his hand on Deans shoulder and squeezes lightly. Dean covers Sammy's hand with his own. Thankful to have such a great little brother. "Thank you... Bitch" Dean says in a playful voice. "Jerk" Sam murmurs, before leaving Dean alone in his room. That's like their way of saying, 'I love you'.

 _I hope you liked it :) It didn't have any Destiel in it, but some family and Sammy. I hope I will have energy to post soon. A big thank you to Sevyfan1 for all your support :) and a big thank you to everyone who takes their time to read this :) It makes me so happy!_


	15. Chapter 15: A visit from a brother

_Hi there :) Work hasn't been bad today, hence this chapter! Hope you like it. I won't promise anything, but I maybe think I will put another chapter up a in a bit or else it's gonna be put up tomorrow._

 _While writing this I'm listening to Youtube, those Destiel videos fans make, where they kind of score some video clips from Destiel with a fitting song. If some of you guys likes those and knows some good ones, please send me links. I love them! I love you guys!_

 _Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, don't own Supernatural :(_

Castiel was devastated. He didn't leave his bed for most of the weekend and he couldn't bother picking up the phone. Sunday afternoon his doorbell went off in a really terrible symphony of ringing. He basically crawled out of bed and slopped to the door. When he opened, he was about to smack it closed again, when he saw an annoying and familiar face, pushing his doorbell, trying to make a melody, but his brother Gabriel caught the door handle, before the door could slam closed.

"Where have you been?" Gabriel asked incredulously. "I've been here, at home... Where else should I have been?" Castiel answers. He really can't handle Gabriel right now. He really just felt like lying down to die. "First of all, Friday dinner!?" Gabriel says in an annoyed voice. "We were supposed to, to meet up, have some brother bonding time, remember?". Castiel shrinks under Gabriel's words. He remembers, but he had totally forgotten. "Second of all, I didn't mean just this weekend. I meant, since the school year started. You haven't returned any of my calls. I haven't been able to get through to you for more than two months and then you didn't show for Dinner. To be honest, it made me a little worried." Gabriel announces. Castiel can't help smiling a little at his brothers concern. Normally he didn't really seem to take anyone or anything seriously, so it actually makes him feel a little warm around his heart to know Gabriel had worried about him.

"I'm sorry" Castiel says. He's trying to find some fancy excuse or something, when it all just overwhelms him. He isn't used to needing anyone or to connect with anyone. He's used to being alone, by himself. This makes it really hard to keep getting disappointed in Dean. He isn't used to having someone, who can let him down. He's used to being alone, well, apart from spending time with Gabriel occasionally.

Gabriel looks absolutely horrified when Castiel just breaks down in front of him. "Cassie? Cassie, what's happened? What's happening?" Gabriel stumbles over his words. Castiel can't answer he just falls towards his brother's shoulder and sobs silently into it. They are sitting like that for quite a while, Gabriel have just been patting Castiel's back, while he's been crying himself dry from tears.

"Cassie, won't you tell me what's happened?" Gabriel says in a very serious voice, Castiel isn't used to him using. Castiel don't know where to start. He just lets out one words "... Dean... " Then his throat tightens and he's unable to say anything more. "Who's Dean?" Gabriel asks "your boyfriend?". Castiel is looking at him like he said the unthinkable. He wish, oh, how he wishes that that was what they was to each other. Castiel looks absolutely shattered, shaking his head slowly.

Gabriel can feel he's onto something. Maybe not exactly a boyfriend, but a lover or something similar. "What did he do to you?" Gabriel asks in a harsh tone. He sounds like someone will have to die for their sins. "Nothing, Gabe" Castiel lies. Gabriel isn't buying it. He knows there's something there.

"Castiel, please tell me, let me help you" Gabriel is really frustrated that he can't help his heartbroken little brother. "Who is this Dean, then?" Gabriel continues to ask. Castiel can't keep it in anymore. He's just so ashamed and he knows he should know better. He's really afraid of how Gabriel is going to react, but if someone would be able to understand or at least accept it, it would be Gabriel.

"He's... oh, god... I've been so stupid! He's..." Castiel is stumbling over the words and his throat is tightening. It's so hard to get the words out. "He's one of my students..." Castiel hides his face in his hands. He thought he had used up all of his tears, but apparently not, because now they're falling from his eyes again.

Confusion spreads across Gabriel's face, "Is one of your students bullying you?" He asks. Castiel just shakes his head. Gabriel thinks about his first impression of the situation. "No" he says "Do you have a relationship with one of your students?" Gabriel's jaw drops. He's sure Castiel would never. He's even surprised that Castiel is in a relationship, but with one of his students, unthinkable. "Cassie, you know you shouldn't do that... it's..." Gabriel stops when he sees Castiel's heartbroken expression. He knows. Of course Castiel knows, that he shouldn't do, such a thing. Castiel shakes his head. "Oh, Cassie you didn't" Gabriel pulls Castiel into an embrace stroking his back comforting. "You fell in love with him" Gabriel says. It's not a question. It's a statement.

Castiel freezes. Did he? He never did before. Is this really how love feels. Shouldn't love be a good feeling making you feel like you can fly. Not like you got stones in your stomach. At least that's how it is in movies. But that's probably only when the feelings are mutual. Not when the person just cast you aside and uses you as they pleases.

Gabriel stays with Castiel the whole evening, making him feel a little better. He doesn't really talk to him much about it, because he knows love is stupid and can be a real assbut, if the feelings are not returned.

 _Thank you for reading! I am so thankful for all of you who reads this, and follows or faves og review. It really makes my day! A special thank you to Sevyfan1 and Death Reader Skylar for the reviews! You are the reason that this got up faster than expected!_


	16. Chapter 16: Awkward tutoringrealization

_Hi :) As (almost) promised, another chapter! I hope you'll enjoy. Hope you are all doing well!_

 _Diclamer: Still, unfortunately, don't own Supernatural... :(_

Dean knew he couldn't just skip school anymore and Mrs. Mosely made it quite clear that he couldn't skip the tutoring either, if he wanted to graduate. This was his last chance, he had already been given enough chances as is.

He went to school. Still the lessons with Castiel was disturbed by the tingling feeling he got in his entire body when their eyes met. He had a really hard time concentrating. However, everything was going well until Wednesday, when they had to meet alone for the tutoring lesson. Dean brought his homework and his books and arrived before the teacher.

He was seated behind the desk closest to the teachers desk. He had already begun studying, when Castiel arrived.

When Castiel entered he didn't expect Dean to be there already. He got a little scare, seeing him so suddenly. The feelings he had just welled up in him and he had to turn his back towards Dean, so he wouldn't be able to see the tears in his eyes.

"If you need any help, just... Just say the word..." Castiel said hesitantly. He seated himself behind the teachers desk and started grading papers. He was deep inside of the human body's blood transportation system, when Dean cleared his throat and caught his attention. "... eh... Can... Can I help you with something..." Cas asked nervously. "Ehm... Yeah, kind off... It's this math question here..." Dean points at the question until Castiel is by his side, reading it. Castiel starts explaining and Dean has a hard time listening with Castiel standing so close.

They end up making it through most of Deans homework before the time has passed. At the end of the lesson, they are both feeling much more comfortable being in each other's company. They are both smiling with each other.

They both pack their backs and should be on their way, but they just stand there staring at each other. Dean let's his bag drop to the floor again. He take two long steps to reach Castiel. He stands a moment in front of him just looking down into the beautiful blue eyes. Suddenly their mouths clash and they are kissing each other desperately. They both feel the need the other has and it makes their own need grow grater. They're biting and sucking on each other's lips, their tongues battling and playing with each other.

They kiss and undress each other slowly. Dean moves his hands down Castiel's torso and grips the hem of his shirt pulling it over his head. Not long after Castiel does the same, with a longing to see Dean's bare chest. They only breaks the kiss when the shirt are pulled past their heads. Castiel goes down on Dean, kissing his way down his abdomen, opening his pants and pulling down his pants and boxers. Dean pulls Castiel to his feet and does the same for him and stands up afterwards.

They stare at each other's bare bodies. Taking everything in. It's the first time their intercourse have felt like this. Like they are two equals sharing something intimate together. Not just one of them taking what they need.

They kiss each other like it's the first time. Dean is practically shaking with desire for his Angel. His soft lips. He nipples gently at his lower lip and, with his tongue, he asks for permission to enter his mouth. Their tongues caress each other.

Dean is placing gentle kisses all the way down his lovers chest and stomach towards Castiel hard member. He kisses his lovers erection and licks it gently. He run his tongue over the head and finally takes it between his lips licking and sucking up and down it's length. Finally he takes the full length in his mouth and sucks the best he can. This is completely new to him. He would never in his life had believed that he would ever have another man's hard erection in his mouth. He definitely would never had thought that he would enjoy it. Castiel's moaning is making him so turned on. He is moaning like he's crumbling by the touch of Dean's mouth.

It doesn't take long before Castiel releases into Dean's mouth. Panting and moaning Dean's name again and again, like a chanting. After swallowing Castiel's load, Dean moves his mouth towards Castiel lips again kissing him passionately. Castiel can taste himself on Dean's lips and can't help but to enjoy the feeling welling up inside of him, thinking he left his taste on Dean.

Castiel takes care of Dean and they kiss long and sloppy kisses.

Suddenly Dean stiffens, all his muscles tightens. He panics. Is it true. Is he really... is he... He can't even bring himself to think it. He isn't. He'd never been attracted to boys. Never! He puts on his clothes without saying a word.

Castiel is just staring. He doesn't know what to do. He feel his chest tightens. He is getting ready for the insults he'd gotten used to after them having coitus. His heart all the way down the pit of his stomach, already prepared for it cringing. But it never comes.

Dean just walks towards the door after gathering his things. Castiel can't make himself say anything, even though he wish to. He want to know what it is they are doing. He's just to afraid to know the answer. Dean glances back at him, with a sad and broken look upon his face. He can almost see the regret and the destruction on his soul, he can almost feel it.

 _Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! I don't know when the next one will be up, I'm gonna try and put it up as fast as I can. Love to all of your lovely people out there! Be well!_


	17. Chapter 17: Dream or nightmare?

_Hi guys :) here comes another chapter! I have, unfortunately, been really busy at work and been really exhausted when I've come home, so I haven't had the energy to post. It also seems like I'm gonna continue to be really busy at work for a while, which is why I'm gonna post two chapters today, maybe even three, we'll see. I really hope everyone of you is doing swimmingly! All the best to you._

 _A big fat thank you to Sevyfan1 for your review and your continuing support and believing in me. A big thank you too to Death Reader Skylar for your review too. Also thank you to everyone who has followed or faved! I love all of you!_

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the characters._

Dean knew he had to get himself together. His father would scold him, if he knew what he was feeling. What conflicts had taking over his brain.

He liked Castiel. He... He might even be in... But he couldn't... He wasn't a... a... Or was he? He was so confused. Every time he saw the teacher his conviction about himself and his sexuality faltered. He felt so empty so destroyed, when he thought about the guy. But when he was with him... When they were together, for a few moments, he knew. He knew who he was. He was his. For those moments he felt whole.

He walked, almost ran, to his dorm room and threw himself on his bed. Luckily Garth was out, or something. At least he wouldn't ask questions about his weird behavior.

Dean could feel his tears prickle in his eyes. He would not cry. He wasn't about to cry and definitely not over a guy! He placed his arm over his face so his shirt would catch all fluid, definitely not tears brimming out of his eyes.

His door banged open, but he didn't have the energy to look. It was probably just Garth, making a big entrance as always. He was a weird kid. If he just laid still and didn't move he probably wouldn't disturb him and with his arm covering his eyes he couldn't see the tears (which he definitely did not have in his eyes).

Unfortunately, it wasn't Garth. A while after the door opened and closed again, when he finally started to relax believing he would be left alone, his bed creaked. He could feel, a person hovering over him. A leg was thrown over his own and the person was straddling him. He was about to move his arm, when somebody moved it for him and pinned them above his head.

He was looking into the beautiful blue eyes he was starting to love... was he? Yes, into the eyes he was starting to love so much. As he was looking into the eyes right now, he couldn't remember why he wouldn't or shouldn't love them. He was completely infatuated with those eyes.

Suddenly their lips clashed.

Castiel was left alone and feeling as broken as Dean had been looking leaving the room. He was tired of feeling so powerless. He just felt that when Dean and him kissed all was better. Like it could light up even the darkest of days. He wished he could be in control of the situation. That he could understand what happened to Dean when he... left...

He couldn't. He couldn't comprehend how he could leave when it felt so right. When it felt like everything else didn't matter when their skin brushed against each other. He hadn't ever felt anything like that. Now Castiel was left all confused and feeling like what he knew to be the truth two seconds ago, was the biggest lie ever told. He felt shattered. He couldn't gather his thoughts, but one thing he knew: He couldn't let something go that felt so right.

He got up from where he had sunken to the floor. He put on his clothes in a hurry and ran. He couldn't get there fast enough. He had to. He needed to know. To know, that what he felt wasn't one-sided. That it wasn't a lie. That it was true. That... That it would happen again... and again... So he ran.

When he arrived outside the door he hesitated. What if this would ruin everything. That this would be what broke the dream. Because, that was what it felt like. It felt like it was a dream he could wake from any moment. It kept switching from heavenly dream to his worst nightmare of hell. He was afraid that if he walked through that door he would wake. But he had to... He needed to know. Ha had to learn the truth.

He took a decision fast and had to hurry before he could back out. So he burst through the door. What he saw was Dean lying on his back on his bed. He looked sad. Castiel stopped in his tracks and looked at him in bafflement a few seconds, before closing the door and locking it. He strode through the room, towards Dean on the bed, before he could change his mind. He crawled upon the bed straddling Dean, pinning his arms above his head in an almost angry gesture and glared at him. But as their eyes met his expression eased. He couldn't feel anything bad while those beautiful eyes looked at him with such awe.

They were positioned like this for a while just starring into each other's eyes, before Castiel had to taste those lips once more.

 _Thank you so much for reading! :)_


	18. Chapter 18: Why?

_Another chapter :) Hope all you guys will enjoy!_

 _Disclaimer: I don't own nothing._

Dean could feel his whole body heat up. He didn't get all horny or anything. Well, he couldn't help getting a little horny when his beautiful Angel was straddling him. However, that wasn't what he mainly felt. He felt a warmth spread from his chest. Castiel broke away and Dean couldn't help letting out a sound that almost sounded like a whine when he missed the heat of their kiss.

Castiel was looking at him with a confused look tilting his head. He couldn't take that look. That was way too... Cute? Did he just think a guy was cute!? His brain must be short circuiting, but when he looked into those eyes, that didn't mean a thing. He just stared back at the teacher. What had he done to him? How did this happen? How come, one man, could make his whole body a complete mess, all of a sudden?

"Why?" Dean got a scare when Castiel opened his mouth. When Dean didn't answer Castiel asked again. "Why? What are you getting out of this? Why are you tormenting me? Why are you driving me crazy?" Castiel didn't mean to let all of his frustrated feelings out. He just couldn't help it. He needed to know.

Dean looked at him confusion in his eyes. He couldn't answer. He didn't have the answer. He didn't know, or he didn't want to acknowledge what he was feeling. "I... I don't know..." he answered with a sight. He didn't have a better answer. The answer didn't change Castiel's expression. They stared at each other for a long while.

Dean started to feel uncomfortable. It felt like Castiel was looking into his eyes like they were windows to his soul. He felt more naked than he had ever felt. Like Castiel could see how big of a mess Dean was. He had to look away from the bright blue color, not to panic.

They were lying in silence for some time before it was too much for Dean. He felt like he had to say something. He felt like he ought to. "I just... I..." He fell silent. He still couldn't. He still wasn't. He was not attracted to a man. "Why are you?" Dean asked in some kind of defense.

Castiel had a hard time answering. His head was a big mess of thoughts that could answer the question, so without thinking he just opened his mouth letting whatever would drift out, out. "I just... can't... not" Castiel started and then it all just poured out. He had never felt like this before. It both made him feel better than he ever thought possible and felt like the end of the world, all at once. "The... Feelings... I feel, when you look at me... I have never felt anything like that before. I feel like I can do anything. When you touch me I feel such an urge to grip onto you tight and never let you go again. Like if I could look into you eyes forever I could do anything. Like I could go to the moon. "

Castiel was looking so sincere that Dean couldn't help letting a single tear drop from his eye. Castiel kept on talking.

"I feel like, since I saw you my world stopped being lonely. Like it suddenly became worth it to be around someone. Like you... You lighted up my world. Like you brought me to life. I think I need you in my life. I think that without your touch I would never feel again. When I look at you, my chest tightens. My whole body gets out of control. I can't keep calm and yet, with you, I have never been more calm. I think... I think that I might... That I might be falling in love with you."

Castiel looked surprised by what just came over his lips. He looked as surprised as Dean felt. Castiel's grip around Dean's wrists loosened and he sat up straighter, running his hands down his face, like all of his energy left him with the words leaving his lips.

Dean couldn't bear watching Castiel fall to pieces. His heart would break as well. He lead his hand to Castiel's chin running his thumb gently over his lips gently. He sat up slowly shaking with the effort of using only his abs. He touched his lips to his Angel's, light brushes covering his lips. Castiel cupped his hands around Dean's face and they were kissing passionately. They just kissed, no talking. Dean tried to convey his feeling's. The feelings he was sure he would never be able to speak of out loud.

They didn't do anything more than kissing that night. They were just lying beside each other holding on to each other kissing.

 _Thank you all for reading! :)_


	19. Chapter 19: Downturn

_Here you have another chapter. Hope you'll enjoy it or at least forgive me if you don't..._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing._

The following weeks were like they had both gone to heaven. With stolen kisses, love-making at Castiel's place and Dean's dorm room, when Garth was out, and fucking in the janitors closet in lunch break.

Castiel was still feeling ashamed, that he was doing this against the rules. However, it was hard for him to really care when it felt so right.

Dean was coming to terms with what he might be. He still had a hard time talking about it, but he tried to show it the best he could.

Dean's friend Benny had noticed Dean's odd behavior. He had almost all the same classes as Dean had. He had noticed all the weird glances Dean had shared with the teacher and felt like something was up. He didn't know what exactly, but he knew it was something taking its toll on Dean. He needed to know what it was about.

One day after practice he confronted Dean. He waited for all the others to leave. "Dean, what is going on with you?" Why have you been so absentminded lately?" Dean didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to answer the question. How to evade it. So he just gulped, trying to find a good lie to tell Benny.

"Is it that teacher?" Benny asked. Dean was horrified. He couldn't know. No one knew. He was starting to panic, but still wasn't able to say anything. His throat completely dry and tight. "Is he doing something to you? I've seen the way he looks at you." Benny continued. Dean snapped out of it, as if Castiel would ever do something to him. "No Benny, it's nothing. I just haven't been feeling too well lately" Dean wasn't exactly lying. "Ok, Dean. If you say so" Benny left it at that, but still thought he had to keep an eye out for his friend and the teacher.

Dean was shaken. Benny couldn't find out. It would kill him. Dean couldn't live with being looked down at, just because he was with a guy. Because he wasn't gay. But that would be what everyone would think. His dad included, if he should ever find out. That he couldn't bear.

That Friday Dean didn't turn up for their lesson. Castiel was very disappointed, he really enjoyed their time together. Especially the time together they could have that wasn't something he had to be ashamed of. Like teaching him. He left after half an hour of waiting, hoping that Dean was just running late.

That evening they had a stay at home date. Dean turned up an hour late for that. Castiel thought he would completely stand him up or maybe he was hurt or something. He was so worried.

When Dean arrived an hour late he was so relieved he just ran to Dean to hug him. He threw his hands around his neck and hugged him tightly "I thought something happened to you, I was really worried". It wasn't before Dean didn't answer, that Castiel discovered that he was dead drunk. "Have you been driving like that?" He asked with a worried frown, looking up at Dean's distant eyes

Dean didn't answer the question. Instead he laughed and pushed Castiel toward the wall, the same wall as their first time together. Castiel gave a frightened gasp, but didn't resist. Dean started kissing his neck, he bit down hard and Castiel knew for sure it would leave a bruise tomorrow. "Ouch, Dean!" Castiel exclaimed and tried to push Dean off of him. He didn't move an inch and starting to bite down on him harder. Castiel started to get frightened. This reminded him too much of their first time. Too much of how their relationship started out. Without emotion.

Dean didn't stop. He didn't want to stop. He was too drunk. He just wanted Castiel. He just wanted to screw him. He wanted to bury himself deep within him and forget everything else. Dean took what he wanted. He unbuttoned his shirt while holding a tight grip around his wrists. Castiel was squirming under him.

He didn't care or rather he did, a lot. Too much, maybe. He was mad at him for making him feel this way, for making him act different. Deep down inside, even though he would never admit that he might be, he was mad at Castiel for making him gay. He was mad at him for making him feel feelings for a man that he had never felt for a woman before, even though he had been with an immense amount of woman.

He got impatient and rather than unbuttoning the shirt he ripped it open. He bit down Castiel's torso and bit hard on his nipple. Castiel cried out and his eyes got teary. Dean gave his other nipple the same treatment and a tear fell from Castiel's eye. "Dean, please!" Castiel whined. "Dean please, stop it!". Dean didn't react, he just kept on going.

Dean pulled Castiel out from the wall, tore his shirt off of him and smacked him, face first, against the wall again. He pulled his pants off of him too and spread his legs with his feet. Hi pressed himself against him. His hard erection, that he wished this man wasn't the cause of, against his firm butt cheeks. He hated this man for making him fall in love with him. He hated him for having those adorable blue eyes and the quirky lovable personality he just couldn't stay away from. He hated that he was such a... a... an Angel.

He wanted him to feel the pain he felt, with him.

He squashed Castiel against the wall, so that his erection got crushed between himself and the wall. "Fuck, Dean ouch, that really hurts" Castiel snarled. Dean just pushes himself harder against the wall making Castiel whimper from his pain. Dean pulls Castiel from the wall and for a moment Castiel believes that he can relax. Instead he gets pushed down against his dining table, bending over it, with his ass in the air.

Castiel's dick got crushed again, but this time it's worse. The tip is lying between him and the table. "Dean," he shrieks "It hurts... stop!". Dean stops his begging by covering his mouth with his hand. Leaning down against him, adding extra weight to the his hurting cockhead, making him winch loudly. "I thought you liked the pain?" Dean says teasingly " I thought it turned you on to be helpless and having another guy molest you. At least that's how it looked to me." Dean announces coldly.

Chills run down Castiel's back and he can't help but to get a tiny bit turned on, but most of all he's scared. If it had been anyone but Dean this would have made him absolutely shit his pants. That is, if he was wearing any.

"That's because you are a little whore!" Dean whispers into his ear. " _You_ are just a little whore who likes to be taking from behind and be degraded to nothing more than a whining pile of lust." Dean growled into his ear with his hoarse voice.

Castiel couldn't help himself. He actually got hard from that. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe he was just a cock loving faggot and a slut. He was so ashamed of himself and his body's reaction.

Dean didn't even prepare Castiel before taking out his dick and ramming into him in one hard thrust. His hand still covered Castiel's mouth and muffled the scream he uttered. Dean leaned down upon him again and whispered into his ear "Yeah, you like that. Being fucked like the little slut you are!", before he started thrusting like there was no tomorrow.

Castiel was just laying down on the table whining, with tears streaming down his face. When Dean was done with him he just stood up, put his clothes on and left. Castiel had tried to make him stay, he got up all naked, still with a hard throbbing member revealing how turned on he was. He covered his erection with his ruined shirt. "You can't drive in your condition, Dean. Please stay!". Castiel was desperate, worried about what Dean might do to himself.

"Like you would care!" Dean whipped around and yelled at him with tears threatening to fall from his eyes. "You could just find someone else to fuck you!" Dean was shaking with what was a mix of anger and loathing and... something else he couldn't wrap his head around. "Like you would mind! If it had been another one of your students, you would have just settled for him or maybe even preferred him. It's not like it was important for you who it was!". A tears fell from Dean's eyes and he tried to brush them away with his hand "Shit!" he mutters before he leave.

Castiel was left bewildered, sad and completely ashamed.

 _Thank you for reading :) Please don't hate me..._

 _A review with your opinion would just make my day!_


	20. Chapter 20: Drunken self loathing

_Hi guys :) another chapter her. I'm kinda afraid that I'm getting a writer's block. I have a hard time writing. Maybe because I feel really stressed at the moment and really without reason. Don't be afraid though, I have kind of already written up to chapter 28, I just need to correct and such. I hope my mind is gonna start working in the meantime, I really like having "written ahead", so you won't have to wait for a block to pass. Well, just wanted to get it out there. Hope you'll enjoy._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of the characters, only this little flick of my imagination that is this story._

Castiel, again, didn't get up all weekend. This time, however, he did contact Gabriel. Asking him to come over Saturday night with food and so he did.

When he saw Castiel he knew. He just knew that everything had went to shit for his little brother. He just prepared the food for them and crept under a blanket beside his brother on the sofa. They spend the entire weekend together watching the complete first season of Game of Thrones. Not talking about what had happened at all.

At Monday Castiel had to fight himself to get out of bed. He was terrified about how the day would turn out. He thought that they finally was in the direction of having a relationship. He, apparently, was wrong. Dean had made it pretty clear that... what had he made clear again? That Castiel thought he was just a quick fuck... He was so confused. He was sure that it had to be the other way around. He left for work, so he would just make it to his class on time.

When the class started Dean still hadn't arrived. However, he arrived ten minutes late and didn't even seem like he felt bad about it. Castiel didn't had the heart to give him detention. First of all he looked like shit and second of all, he couldn't bear to spend more time with him than necessary. He already had to meet him two times a week after work and that was quite enough of uncomfortable time spend.

Dean had been drinking throughout the whole weekend. He was still kind off affected by the alcohol when he went to school that morning. He arrived ten minutes late, be he really couldn't bother to make himself care. He used the full period to alternately hate himself for acting like that towards Castiel Friday and hating Castiel for making him love him. For turning him into the pussy he had become. He felt like he would never be able to go home to see his dad being like he is now.

They didn't interact with each other until they had the lesson on Wednesday. Castiel had spend all his time since the weekend working, distracting himself. Taking upon himself every extra task that he could, just to think about everything other than Dean Winchester. Dean had spend every waking moment outside of school drinking, even a little at lunch. He wasn't able to sleep if he didn't drink until he couldn't stay upright anymore.

At Wednesday when they had to meet. Dean was more drunk than he had been all week and instead of having their lesson, Castiel helped him get to his dorm room. He was about to leave, when he turned around and looked at Dean with a frown and very serious eyes. "Dean, please, take care of yourself. If something happened to you... I... Just don't do anything reckless. Please." Castiel urged him.

Dean just Giggled drunkenly. "Like anyone would care. Like anyone would care if something happened to the zero Dean Winchester, who can't even graduate college..." Dean made a hurling sound and hiccupped. "No one would even notice" now it sounded more like Dean was talking to himself, than to Castiel. "Actually people would just be relieved, one less problem to take care of. One less troublemaker to make behave". A single tear fell from Dean's eye again.

Castiel couldn't leave him like that, all broken and in pieces. He had to gather as much of them as he could. Dean was sitting on his bed with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Castiel sat down on his knees in front of him, with his knees between Dean's feet. Putting his hands on his thighs. "Dean, look at me" Castiel whispered gently to him. When Dean didn't seem like he would, he repeated it, this time more like an order. Those Dean was used to follow.

Dean looked into Castiel's blue eyes. As their eyes locked, he thought, now I understand why I call him Angel. If anyone would be able to save me, it would be him. Dean didn't get to think anything more before he blacked out and fell face first against Castiel.

Castiel caught Dean when he blacked out. He put him to bed and left, leaving a kiss on Dean's forehead before leaving.

 _Thank you for reading! :)_

 _Thank you so much to Death Reader Skylar! Reviews can save days!_

 _I think, I'll be able to post another chapter in a bit._


	21. Chapter 21: In love?

_Hi :) I did get the energy to post another chapter, yay! Here it is! Hope you'll enjoy._

 _Disclaimer: I still don't own anything other than my own imagination._

Dean woke up the next day not really being sure how he got home to his dorm room. He had been way to drunk. Had he even gone to that lesson, hadn't he? And if so how had he ended up in his bed? He didn't go to classes that Thursday, his hangover was way too massive.

At about the time school ended he heard a knocking on his door. His throat got tight and he got all nervous. "Dean let me in". Oh, it was just Sammy. He sighed in relief and yet he couldn't help being a little disappointed. Dean got up and opened the door for him. "What do you want, bitch?". Sammy just rolled his eyes and pushed his way past him. "What have you been doing all week? The teachers keep asking me what happened to you". Dean has a hard time answering, because he couldn't remember most of it, because he had been drunk more than half of the time. Dean tried to think about a lie to get him out of this pinch. He just couldn't it was like his brain had been washed out with the alcohol. "I don't know Sammy... I... I just don't know" Dean dropped down on his bed feeling completely lost. The last thing he ever wanted was to rant about all of his crap to Sammy. He had made a promise to himself, that he wouldn't load his shit onto Sammy.

"I'm so fucked Sammy..." Sam couldn't comprehend the sight in front of him. Sam had never seen Dean cry, never. Dean didn't cry, but here he was tears streaming down his face. He was practically sobbing.

"What happened, Dean? You know you can tell me everything!" Dean didn't say anything, he still didn't wanted to unload his crap onto Sammy. He didn't think it to be fair. "Dean, remember, you promised! You promised me that if something happened, you would tell me" Sam sounded kind of hurt. He was hurt because Dean didn't seem to trust him with the secret he seemed to be carrying.

"I just... Sammy I still can't talk about it... I just... It's scares the shit out of me..." Dean sobbed the last few words into his hands. "It feels... How I feel Sammy... How I feel... Inside me... I wish I couldn't feel a thing... I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing" Dean was a sobbing mess. Sam Couldn't handle it. He sat down beside his brother, not knowing what to do. He knew how Dean hated chick flick moments, so he didn't think a hug would be in order, but he looked like he needed it. He ended up settling for a hand on Dean's shoulder.

"Dean, there is nothing you should ever be too embarrassed over too tell me or ashamed of or anything like that. You know that. I will love you, no matter what you do." Dean couldn't help but to chuckle at that. Sammy didn't even know what was going on, but he was there, no matter what.

"Don't tell dad" Dean led out a whisper. A fearful whisper, like that would be the end of the world. "Of course Dean, if that's want you want" Sam waited for Dean to answer, giving him time to get himself together.

"I... think I'm falling in love..." when Dean said the word love, he flinches as if he wasn't ready to hear himself admit that. "It's... It's with one of the teachers... It's... It's ruining me, Sammy... I can't... I just..." Dean was unable to continue and Sammy hadn't even heard the most important part.

Sam was completely speechless for a minute. He would never had thought that he would ever hear his brother utter those words, ever. "Dean, you can get around this. Have you told her your feelings? Have you... talked to her outside of school?... Have you.. have you..." Sam came to a halt, really not wanting to know if he had... with one of the teachers.

"I haven't, not really, anyway... Yes, I have... And yes we have... " Dean answers. It's hard to gather the courage to tell Sammy. To tell him that his brother is a faggot. "Does she feel the same way?" Sammy asks. He really couldn't see the problem if they already had... Then there must be something between them.

" ** _HE_** does." Dean says breathlessly, almost inaudible. "Or... At least he did, I think. He told me and... I didn't tell him back, I just... I.. I couldn't" Dean swallows and looks up at Sammy with vulnerable eyes. "But what's the problem if he..." Sam starts. Then his jaw drops open and then he notices the sex he was using. He said he. He was talking about a male teacher. Now he knew what the problem was. The biggest problem in this equation was not Dean, it was their dad.

"Dean... I... It would never bother me who you choose to love and be with I hope you know this much. As I said before, I will love you no matter what you do." He meant every word of it and Dean could hear it and he was thankful for having such a great brother.

"I'm also pretty sure that... with some time dad could... get used to it." Sam isn't sure if he's saying this for Dean to believe him or to convince himself about it. Probably both.

Dean's tears has stopped falling with Sammy's reaction to the whole thing. Dean is so relieved. Now he knows that he won't just be banished from his family and Sammy would never know just how much that means to him.

It hits him like a sledgehammer, he then remembers just what he did that Friday. What he had done to Castiel. How cruel he had been. "Sammy, I... I think... I think I fucked it all up... I think I've lost him... I was too scared... I was so cruel... I just... I couldn't... I... I was so afraid of being... being gay, that I hurt him... real bad... I'm not sure he would ever forgive me."

"Which teacher are we talking about?" Sam asks. He had to do something to get his brother out of the despair he was in at the moment.

 _Thank you for reading! :) Really hope you are all doing well! OMG I know it's today that SPN season 12 episode one airs in the US but, sadly, I'm from Denmark, so I won't be able, in any way, to see it before tomorrow. I can't even describe how much I look forward to seeing the new season!_

 _Love you all! 3_


	22. Chapter 22: Avoidance

_Hi guys :) One more chapter... Sorry there's only gonna be one today and it's not even that long. As I said before I kinda have a writer's block and at the same time I have been coming down with a cold. I really feel like i've been unlucky lately. Oh well, I'll just have to keep moving forward (-Walt Disney, just watched meet the Robinsons, loved it :) )_

Friday morning Dean couldn't even bear to look himself in the mirror. He was so happy that Sammy finally knew. That he didn't have to keep the secret from the person closest to him anymore. He just didn't know if there even was a secret to keep anymore. If Castiel ever wanted to, as much as talk to him again, he'd be lucky. He felt a pain in his stomach just thinking about the possibility of not being able to hold Castiel in his arms anymore. He felt like that would be the end of this world. Of his world, at least.

He couldn't believe the heavy weight lifted from his chest just by telling Sammy. He couldn't believe the difference it made for him. He felt like, now he could let himself feel what he felt. It was so freeing. Now he didn't have to lie to himself anymore. However, that would all mean nothing if he couldn't get his Angel back.

He went to school like normal. The first couple of classes, he had to actually listen to what was going on, even though he had planned to just doze off, because he needed the distraction. Then after lunch it was time for biology. He was nervous all of lunch break, sitting with his friends. It had been forever since he had. He had spend too much time focusing on Castiel. His friends, especially Benny, seemed to be happy to 'have him back' as they put it.

During biology, he was starring at Castiel through the full period. He didn't take his eyes of him once, he couldn't. He had no idea how he hadn't seen it before. He was completely perfect. No one had ever looked more beautiful than him. That's even despite the dark circles under his eyes and his hair that was even more messy than usually, if possible.

He tried to make eye contact with the teacher, like they used to do all the time. He never managed to. The teacher evaded his eyes like they were poison. He felt like he had swallowed a ton of rocks. He had to talk to Castiel, he had to get him alone. He needed him to at least understand that he didn't mean any of the mean and hurtful things he said. He was actually referring to himself. That he knew now. He had discovered that all of his loathing towards Castiel, all the mean and hurtful things he had said and done, had been directed the wrong place all along. It should have been pointed at himself.

He had come to terms with his sexuality, which was bisexual, because, let's face it, he could never not love breasts. But he would more than willingly give up ever touching a pair of breasts again, if he could just kiss Castiel's lips one more time!

When the lesson was finished Castiel had gone before Dean could even blink his eyes. He tried to run after him but when he burst into the corridor he was nowhere to be seen.

Castiel was surprised to see Dean at his lesson that Friday. He had almost hoped that he would have stayed home. It hurt way too much to look at him, which he then decided to not do the whole period, but he could feel Dean's eyes on him all the way to the end of the class. As soon as the class was over he ran. He couldn't bear to be near him. It just hurt way too much.

He couldn't do this anymore. He had to avoid Dean to be sure that their non-existing relationship wouldn't evolve and then shatter down once more, he wouldn't be able to handle that. It would completely destroy him if he tasted those lips one more time and then being led down again afterwards.

In reality he wanted nothing more than to hold Dean tight again. He just knew that to lose him once more, would break him. So instead of standing tall he ran and hid. He pretended to be ill to go home early and get out of teaching Dean at his private lesson.

He went home, grabbed a bucket of ice cream. He sat himself down in front of his computer and opened Netflix, he wanted to watch more game of thrones, but had promised not to watch further without Gabriel. He put on some sappy romance instead. Stupid idea. That actually made him feel worse. He ended up going to bed even before he had watched the end of the movie, because he couldn't help the tears forming in his eyes.

After not more than a couple of minutes after he turned off the computer, he was asleep.

Castiel woke again, by a knocking on his door, feeling like he only slept for seconds. And, sure enough, he hadn't been sleeping more than half an hour, so not that long. It knocked on his door again. He stumbled to his feet and to the door. He opened it and froze where he stood. Looking directly into the beautiful eyes of Dean Winchester.

 _Thank you for reading! Hope you liked. I know it was short and that nothing much happened. Originally I was planning to post more than one chapter, but I don't feel too wel and here it's like in the middle of the night, so I should really go to bed._

 _A big shout out to both Sevyfan1 and Death Reader Skylar, I love to read your comments. They always make my day! Also a big thank you to all the people who followed. Love you all! 3_


	23. Chapter 23: The truth

_Hi guys! :) So I was asked for another chapter and here it is! Hope you'll like._

After Dean had waited in room B4 for half an hour, Mrs. Mosely showed up to tell him that she was sorry for the short notice, but the lesson was cancelled for today, caused by the teacher leaving early due to feeling ill.

Dean had to talk to him. He ran to his car, practically jumped in and drove off. He drove at least ten kilometers per hour too fast the whole way to his Angel's house, probably a lot more.

He was standing at the door panting like he just ran a marathon, when he knocked like a crazy person. He needed to talk to Castiel right now. He had to explain. He had to correct his wrongdoings or at least try.

When Castiel opened the door he froze and Dean had the same reaction. When he suddenly stood in front of him all of the air got sucked from his lungs.

He didn't know how to begin. He had it all prepared, what he was gonna say, but standing here in front of the man, made his mind go completely blank. It was like a replay of the first time he came to Castiel's doorstep. This time he just really couldn't screw it up.

Castiel was the first to regain composure, he turned at the door and tried to slam the door in Dean's face. But, yet again, Dean caught it before it could close completely. He ran after Castiel through his hall, which he actually had gotten used to in the couple of weeks, they had been 'almost dating'. They ended in Castiel's bedroom, Dean just starring at Castiel's back, not daring to say anything.

"What do you want?" Castiel asks harshly. Not that Dean can blame him. He had been such a big bag of dicks, but the words still stung. "I just..." Dean felt like he had a whole desert stuck in his throat, it was completely dry. It was now or never, he had to say something.

"I need to explain... What... What happened... Why... Why I was..." Dean is searching for the right word, but he got interrupted by Castiel. "A massive Assbutt?" Castiel finishes his sentence turning around facing him. His face looking stone cold. Dean can't help smile at the weird word. However, when he see Castiel's displeased face, he quickly returns to his serious self.

"Yeah, that... I was a humongous Assbutt! I... I just... I didn't know how to handle all these... feelings." Castiel is giving him this 'are you serious right now' stare. "Yeah, sure, you treat me like shit and _you_ can't handle the feelings." Dean shrinks at the weight of his words. He knows they are true. It didn't make any sense.

"I know... I know how it seems... I know I have no right to play the victim...And... And I don't intend to!" Dean starts. He have to at least explain. He can understand if Castiel won't accept what he says, don't want to listen or won't believe him, but he have to try. He have to make his Angel see that he know he was wrong. That he isn't any of the things he said he was. That he doesn't see him like that, at all. "But I... I need to make you understand that I didn't mean any of the things that I said...". Castiel titled his head looking confused.

Dean hesitates, he doesn't know how to explain. "No, that's not right... I... I meant every word I said..."

Castiel's face fills with horror. Had Dean really come all of this way just to tell him how true it all was. How big of a disgusting faggot whore he was. Tears starts to fill his eyes and he turns away from dean again. He had gotten his hopes up, once more. Now it all came tumbling down again. He just couldn't anymore. He couldn't stand that Dean would look at him with disgust again.

Dean saw the raw terror in Castiel's eyes and hurriedly talked on, trying to explain. "I meant every word I said, But... But they weren't aimed at you. It wasn't about you. It never was. You have to believe me, You were never any of those things. I wasn't talking about you, wasn't judging you. I was..." Now was the moment Dean had feared. He had to admit it. He had to tell the truth. He had to lay his cards down and stand bare in front of his Angel, ready to be judged.

"It was never about you... God... I never meant to hurt you or harm you... I... I...You're perfect! I would never think that way about you... I just... I was talking about..." Dean couldn't say it. He tried. He just couldn't utter those words. Dean looked up at Castiel again, after telling all this to the floor just in front of him. He saw Castiel's angry and hurt and almost disgusted face. The shame hit him hard. He had to look down again.

Castiel saw a tear fall from Dean's eye when he raised his sight upon him once again. He got hit by a wave of rage and disgust. How could he!? How dared he!? He had been the one doing all of this, saying all of these mean things. Why the hell was he standing there crying. What gave him the right!? "What? Who was all of those words meant for then!?"

Castiel didn't yell. It would have been less terrifying if he had been yelling. He just raised his voice to a deep thunder. "Are there anyone anywhere who deserves to be treated that way!? No one! NO ONE deserves to go through anything like that! So why would you think it better that it wasn't about me!?" Castiel growled catching his breath after the speech.

Dean needed him to know. To know that of course he knew that no one deserved that. That he would never think about other people like that. He just couldn't tell him. His words got stuck in his throat.

"Get out!" Now Castiel was yelling "Out of my house!". Castiel started shoving Dean towards the door.

Dean let Castiel shove him all the way from the bedroom to the hall. Then he gained his voice back. He grabbed Castiel's arms and held them in place by his sides. He looked him in the eyes, with his own eyes pleading to let him talk. Pleading him to listen.

Castiel had to give up. It didn't matter how angry or hurt he was. He couldn't resist to at least listen to what Dean had to say. Not when he looked at him with those mournful and pleading eyes. "Fine! Go ahead" Castiel proclaimed with spite in his voice.

Dean looked into those beautiful blue orbs "I know I hurt you a great deal... To put it mildly. I never intended to hurt you, I want you to know that". Castiel snorted, like saying: 'yeah, sure you didn't'.

Dean hesitated for a moment, before he swallowed and continued. "I don't expect you to forgive me or anything. I just... I want you to know that you... are good. That you are amazing and I... I would be lucky if I ever got to kiss you again" Dean's face flushed. He had to look away from his eyes, he couldn't bear to keep their eyes linked anymore. It hurt too much, after what he did.

"I... I... I wasn't talking about you... I wasn't talking about someone else... I was... I was talking about... About me..." Dean had to take a few deep breaths before continuing. "I was so stuck up on who I was supposed to be. The man I had to be, that my father wants me to be... That... That I got terrified of the feelings I started to develop towards you... That I treated you badly. Hoping it would make the problem go away, I treated you like shit" More tears started to run down Dean's face. Dean broke down slowly. Dropping down to his knees, steadying himself with his grip on Castiel's arms.

Castiel couldn't just watch Dean break down like this in front of him. He had to do something. He couldn't just ignore this. He had been there. He had never tried to evade his feeling using such a horrid method, but he understood. He knew these feelings. He had, had them himself. When he didn't feel anything akin to romantic feelings towards girls, when he first fell in love with a guy and finally when he had to tell his family and got cast away without a second thought. With the exception of Gabriel.

Castiel put a hand towards Dean's cheek and lifted his eyes towards his own, making them link again. Dean looked as destroyed as he, himself, felt like just half an hour ago. Not anymore. "What feelings?" Castiel asked with a soft rumble of a whisper.

Dean swallowed. "I... I... Need... you..." Dean looked up at Castiel and repeated the words, more urgently "I need you". Begging him to not make him say it. Castiel understood. Dean wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to accept himself and accept the feelings swirling around inside him. However, he was ready to start getting there. Castiel couldn't help seeing himself, the first time he had those feelings and he couldn't stay mad, not truly.

 _Thank you for reading! :) I still haven't gotten out of my writers block, so soon I won't have anything more to post, because I haven't written more than up to chapter 28. I'm really really sorry, I had it going so well with me writing for so long, that I thought I could post it and be done with it before I had posted all the written chapters. Sadly that isn't the case, unless I in the next week or to get to writing again._

 _I am so SO grateful for all of you people reading this and a big thank you to guest, Death Reader Skylar and Vampire's Castle. Thank you guys so much! :)_

 _Hope you'll all be good!_


	24. Chapter 24: In pieces

_Hi Guys, I completely understand if you hate me for being MIAfor such a long time. Like I already wrote before, I've had a writer's block. It has been a bad one. It's still kind of there most of the time. But right now I'm ill and therefore I have some time to actually write something. I will really try to get my act together, but I won't promise anything I can't be a hundred percent certain I can keep._

 _I'm just still not doing so good. I am a little depressed, not enough to go to a doctor, I think. I just think I have to get some things taken care of and into place and then I'll be ok. It's just really hard to do on my own and it's just recently that I pulled myself together and actually asked someone for help. So I think I'm on my way to get better._

 _Anyway thank you for your patience, hope you are still interested in this story :)_

Castiel sat down on one knee beside Dean looking him in the eyes. "It's okay" He says it like it's right, like it's the absolute truth. "Dean, you aren't doing anything wrong. You are not less of a man, just because you like another man. You should be with whoever makes you happy, regardless of their sex".

There was tears streaming down Dean's face, he lowers his gaze to get away from those piercing blue eyes. "No, I can't... It's... It's not who I am... Who I'm supposed to be... It's not... I... I'm..." Dean stumbles through the words. "I... Can't ... I don't deserve... I..."

Castiel interrupts him "Shhhh..." He lifts Dean's head to look at him again. "You don't think you deserves to be Happy?" . Castiel can't help feeling bad for him. He can feel so much self loathing ebbing out of Dean. He can see it so distinctively in his green eyes. He can't believe he didn't notice before. In class, for example, he was so bright, but didn't seem to give a damn. It was all an act and caused by his own self hatred. His heart fell. What could he do? He was in just as many pieces as Dean seemed to be.

Castiel made a choice right then and there. He couldn't just let this go. He couldn't just let another soul get ruined. Not without trying to do something to prevent it. In particular he couldn't let this soul get ruined. He wouldn't, he couldn't let these bright green eyes fade to become a dull boring color. He had to keep them sparkling with life.

He stood up and dragged Dean to his feet, by his hand. He pulled him back the way they came towards his bedroom. He dragged him to the middle of the room and let go of him to make the bed less of a mess.

Dean shook with the cold absence of Castiel's touch. He didn't know what was going on, he just knew that he just spilled his soul out to his Angel and he hadn't kicked him out yet. He hadn't yelled at him or anything remotely like what Dean was so afraid would happen. What he was sure would happen, when he told his dad, If he ever told his dad.

Castiel took his hand to lead him to the side of the bed. He looked Dean in the eyes and took the chance he had already decided upon taking. His lips met Dean's numb lips. It took a while for Dean to comprehend what was happening. He couldn't believe it. He was such a lucky son of a bitch.

This time it was Castiel claiming Dean's lips. Dean didn't respond to the kiss. Castiel was about to give up, thinking he made one more mistake to add to the pile labeled Dean Winchester. Then Dean started to reciprocate the kiss. Slowly starting to move his lips, following Castiel's lead.

Slowly their kiss deepened. Castiel slowly nibbled Dean's upper lip and licking it for permission to inter, ever so gently. Their tongues caressing each other, conveying the feelings they had such a hard time, saying out loud.

Castiel traced a line down Dean's throat with his lips towards his neckline. He slowly unbuttons Dean's shirt kissing down his chest and abdomen each time a button was unbuttoned. He slowly pulls The shirt of Dean's shoulder, kissing up his now completely bare chest till he reaches his mouth again. He kisses Dean ever so softly. A kiss full of all the emotions he is trying to convey to Dean. That it's all gonna be okay. That he is okay, just the way he is. That he will be there for him. That He deserves to be happy.

Castiel gently pushes Dean down on the bed kissing his bare chest all over ending by his waistband. He unbuttoned Deans pants and pulled them of gently. Castiel undressed himself, until he was standing in nothing more than his underwear. Then he crawled upon the bed and pulled Dean up to him so his full body was on the bed. He then wrapped them both in his quilt, pulling Dean to his chest, holding him in a tight embrace. They were just laying there, Castiel holding Dean tight. Letting Dean cry out, all of his sorrow until Dean didn't have any more tears to cry.

Dean hadn't felt such at home since... Since before his mother died.

They didn't do anything, they were just laying there together feeling each other's presence. Enjoying the comfort from touching one another. Castiel quietly humming, while Dean fell in a dreamless sleep, with a smile on his face. They both tried to remember a time when they had felt this good just being. They both failed.

 _Thank you to anyone encouraging my to go on with my story, without you I would never have gotten further in this story. Thank you so much 3_


	25. Chapter 25: Breakfast

_Hi guys. Two chapters in the same night. I'm pretty proud of myself. Even though this is very short, but I wanted it to end where it ends, so... too bad :P_

Dean wakes up the next morning, after sleeping better than he had in a long time. When he opened his eyes he got confused, he wasn't in his own room. Where did he sleep last night? He had... Then he remembered. He had come to Castiel's house once more. They had talked or Dean had talked... a lot... About feelings...

Dean felt so ashamed. He looked beside him and the bed was empty. He knew it. Of course Castiel couldn't accept him for who he was. Especially after everything that he had done. He couldn't even accept himself. He rolled to his stomach lying with his head in his arms, trying to make sure that the tears didn't fall from his eyes.

Dean heard the door open to the bedroom and then the smell hit him. It smelled like eggs and bacon.

"Wakey wakey" Castiel sang as he crawled onto the bed. Dean could feel the bed give in right beside him before he felt Castiel place a kiss on his head. Dean rolled to his side, away from his Angel to dry his meaningless tears away before facing him.

Castiel had gotten up early, completely well rested, after a great long sleep. He had way to much energy, so he got up to make breakfast for him and Dean. He couldn't keep a stupid smile of his face while cooking and humming happy go lucky tunes. After all they did just sleep together, with emphasis on the word sleep. That was all they had done.

After finishing making breakfast he went to wake Dean. He opened the door but heard a light sniffle. Castiel had already known that Dean's feeling wouldn't just go away from one day to the next. He had, however hoped that he would be feeling better about himself today. After keeping his feelings hidden for so long, he had finally opened up and talked about it.

Castiel crawled onto the bed slowly, lying down beside Dean and kissing his head lightly. Dean turned away from him and his heart sank to his stomach. What if all he had said yesterday was just empty words and today would be no different from their previous encounters. That, he really wouldn't be able to bear.

Just after those thoughts had appeared in his head, he was however proofed wrong. Dean launched himself at him and held him tight in a big hug, kissing his lips gently. A kiss that wasn't just all about lust, but said so much more about feelings and love.

Dean couldn't help himself he had to touch those chipped but yet soft lips to his own. He thought that he had been abandoned. Not literally, but he thought that Castiel couldn't want to have anything to do with him after his earlier behavior, his bad explanation yesterday and all of his crying and... god he had even sobbed... Good grief how he hated chick flick moments.

They were just lying there for a while their lips locked together, until Castiel remembered the breakfast. "Dean, I... I didn't know what you liked, but I made eggs and bacon for breakfast... If... If you're hungry?" Castiel said quietly against Dean's lips. Dean smiled at his Angel, this was damn near perfect. He was woken up, by his beautiful Angel, with those shining blue eyes and he had even made him breakfast. It almost couldn't get any better. How he wished they could just stay in this house, never having to go out and facing others. Never having to face those complicated feelings he got when he thought about his Angel when they weren't together.

They ate in silence. None of them really knowing what to say. Neither of them could figure out how their relationship was now or what it was or how this affected anything. Dean was too embarrassed to bring anything about yesterday up, but he couldn't really think about anything else. Which resulted in him just keeping his mouth shut. Castiel examined everything from yesterday evening in his mind. He could not believe that someone this beautiful could have such a great self hatred and he couldn't comprehend that, even thought he didn't say it directly, Dean actually liked him. That must surely have been what he meant or did he read too much into it?

After a great deal of thinking Castiel was the one to break the silence. "So... ehm..." It was hard for him to find the right words. "What you said yesterday... Did you really mean it?" He asked, looking down on his now empty plate. He didn't dare to face Dean in that moment. He couldn't bear if he was to look into Dean's eyes and find despair there. Despair towards him.

 _Thank you for reading :) Love you guys!_


	26. Chapter 26: Love

_And another one guys._

Dean just stared at Castiel for a while. He didn't know what he was supposed to answer. "Meant what?" Dean asked. He wasn't sure which part he was talking about.

"That you had... developed... certain... feelings... for me" Castiel said, still looking at his plate, with intense concentration. He really wished that Dean would just answer so he knew... Knew what to do and what their situation was. Knew if they had something... together... Or...

Dean could feel his cheeks heat up. Of course, he had forgotten, he had told Castiel about those feelings. Actually he probably hadn't forgotten, but he had repressed the memory of it, out of embarrassment. He didn't know what came over him yesterday. He never talked about his feelings and if he did, certainly never those kind of feelings. Now that he had already revealed his feelings he didn't think he could hide them anymore. He didn't really want to either, because he so desperately needed to be able to hold his Angel in his arms. But it was so hard to accept and to just let himself feel, what he felt.

Dean places his hand under Castiel's chin and lifted his head to make him look at him. Their eyes met. At the moment their eyes connected Castiel knew he had been stupid to ask. That he should have already known. He looked into warn green eyes filled with love. "I did" was the only words Dean spoke, before leaning over and kissing his Angel. It was such a warm, sweet and chaste kiss, Castiel felt all of the emotions Dean felt towards him. He could feel all the love, the thankfulness, the devotion and a tiny bit of confusion and guilt about all the foregoing feelings that Dean felt and the foregoing events. In that moment he just knew that he would never be able to part from Dean again. Not for good, he needed him as much as Dean had expressed that he needed him.

Dean couldn't get himself to speak the words he was feeling at the moment, not because they weren't true, but because he still wasn't completely comfortable with his new self or, more accurately, his true self. He still wasn't sure that he could walk around feeling these feelings and still be him, still be loved the same by others and be treated the same. He still felt like he didn't deserve this. Like he didn't deserve to be with someone like Castiel, so true to himself and so beautiful. He felt like this was too good to be true.

Nevertheless, he did the only thing he could think of in that moment, to try to show Castiel how he felt. He knew that his Angel deserved better. He deserved someone who could tell him how much he loved him. Someone who wasn't afraid of being with him, of showing emotions and wouldn't ever treat him like trash. The way Dean had. He deserved someone who wasn't afraid to show the world that he loved him and someone who would show him of as the catch he was. Dean leaned over and pressed his lips against his Angel's. He tried to convey what he couldn't express in words and make Castiel understand how serious he had been the night before.

When Dean pulled away, they were both out of breath. Not because it had been a heated kiss, but because it had been so emotional and full of unspoken feelings.

Dean had felt how Castiel had tried to tell him, through the kiss, that he loved him too. That he think that Dean deserved all the love in the world and that he intended to give it to him, if he would let him. He would be right by his side, no matter what, through all the emotional break downs he knew Dean would have before he could truly accept who he was.

They were smiling at each other. Looking at each other with more love than neither had, ever in their life before, felt for another person.

Thank you for reading this guys :) Love to you all!


	27. Chapter 27: What are we?

_Hi guys :) The last chapter of tonight. Maybe I'm gonna be at t again tomorrow. Hopefully. At least, I'm not gonna be at work, because I'm still ill... At least my fever went down a lot, but I'm still just really pathetic and feeling pretty bad. But hey you get something good out of me being ill at least, or I hope you think it's good. see ya bitches :P_

Dean spend the most of his weekend at Castiel's place. He was afraid that when he went back to his dorm room, then the spell would be broken. That they would be back to where they were before his little break-down, before he poured all of his feelings out to Castiel. The amazing thing about that weekend was, that they didn't have sex once. They had both felt like it would be like their first time all over again. They felt like it would be different, like it would be more special. It would mean something. That's why, they both, were too scared of ruining what they had gained, to do anything.

They spend every day at school staring at each other sneaking long glances at each other. When Dean turns in homework, he had gotten the habit of walked up to the teacher's desk personally handing it over. He did it, so every time he handed in an assignment he had an excuse to brush his fingers against his Angels. Looking at him intensely, smirking and winking at him. He had, almost completely, forgotten how afraid he was of someone finding out. He wanted to not care whether anyone knew or not, but he really did. He didn't want anyone to look at him differently. The thing he was most afraid of, was his father finding out. He didn't think he could bear if he would look at him differently. He already knew that Sam was his favorite, but that was okay, he had always known that Sam was the baby of the family and had been spoiled compared to how Dean was ever treated. However, if his dad was to ever look at him, like he wasn't himself anymore... Like he wasn't worth as much anymore... He didn't know if he could survive that.

Castiel had been on cloud nine since the weekend. He had looked forward to the lessons with Dean and the long longing gazes they gave each other. He felt like a little school girl in love. It made him so afraid to think that a person so perfect and a guy that, at some point, had treated him that badly had his life in his hands. Even though they hadn't really been together, in the sense that he didn't know what to call the relationship they had, he still really loved Dean. Regardless of how their relationship had started Dean had just swooped in and stolen his heart. Could you even call them lovers or boyfriends? He didn't know. He had never had someone like that before, so he really couldn't say what to call them. It wasn't something they had talked about.

They were both really looking forward to their private tutoring lessons. A time where they could be completely alone without anyone disturbing them and nobody would think it weird for them to spend that time together. So nobody would suspect a anything.

Sadly, their lesson at Wednesday had to be cancelled due to Dean's extended football practice, because to the game the following Friday, after their next lesson.

At their lesson Friday, the first one after their weekend together. Dean arrived early again. He couldn't wait to stare into those big blue orbs. He took out his homework and books, and started to solve some math problems. Castiel arrived about a quarter later, than Dean. This time, instead of sitting at the teacher's desk in the small classroom, he sat at the chair in front of the desk Dean was sitting at. He turned the chair so he was facing Dean using a corner of the same desk, for his computer. "Just tell me if you need any help", Castiel urged, before looking down at his computer starting to write out his plan for his next lesson. Dean let his eyes linger on Castiel and his typing, before returning to his homework. Wondering why his Angel, didn't look at him.

Castiel wanted to sit close to Dean. That was why he sat in the seat in front of him. However, Castiel had a hard time facing Dean. He knew that they had to talk about their relationship. What their relationship was. If Dean even thought they were in one. Castiel had to know. He felt too invested in this... relationship. What else could he call it? He felt too invested in it to keep it up, if Dean didn't share his emotions about it. If Dean only thought this was a fling, then he couldn't keep doing it. He couldn't keep the flirting going and the lustful stares. If he now found out that this isn't what Dean wanted. Didn't wanted to be together with him, then he had to stop it before he'd drown. He didn't want to seem like a needy boyfriend, but he just needed to know.

Then again on the other hand Castiel was painfully aware, that they really shouldn't have that kind of relationship at all. He could lose his job, Dean could be expelled and they could both be in serious trouble if anyone found out.

His head was hurting. He had so many conflicting emotions and he wasn't completely sure what he was going to do about it. One thing he knew for sure though, he had to talk to Dean about it. He had to know what he wanted. even if they ended up having to part ways. He needed to know if he wanted him, like he did. If he felt the same.

They continued in silence, Dean doing homework and Castiel typing on his computer, preparing for tomorrows lessons. Dean felt completely dry in his throat. He felt like the longer they stayed silent, the more tension was built in the room. Dean cleared his throat. This, finally made Castiel look at him. Their eyes met and sparks spread through the air, both had to suck in a breath. They looked at each other for a long time, until Dean though that it was time for him to say something. "I... ehm... I need help with this problem" Dean pointed at the paper in front of him, not looking away from Castiel. Castiel moved his computer to the table behind him and bend forwards towards the paper on the desk, and Dean.

Castiel started to explain how he was supposed to solve the problem, but Dean couldn't takes his eyes from his Angel. He alternately looked from Castiel's beautiful blue gems to his pink soft lips. He shook himself out of it, he had to finish his homework. Maybe they could stay a little longer after it was finished.

Castiel had a hard time concentrating too, because of all the things he wanted to ask Dean, the things he needed to know. Nevertheless, soon they were all done with Dean's homework. Dean was about put his books back in his bag, when he noticed that Castiel hadn't started to put his stuff away. He was just sitting there staring down at the table in front of them.

Dean waved his hand softly in front of Castiel's face and it made Castiel snap out of it. "Oh, sorry" Castiel said absentmindedly. He slowly started to put away his computer. Dean grabbed his hand, before Castiel got to grab his computer. He looked Castiel in the eyes and asked "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?"

Castiel gulped. He was going to talk with Dean about all of these things, he kept thinking about. It was his intention to talk to him today, but now when he was asked, he had no idea how to go about it. He was silent for a while longer, before he finally gave up. "I... I need to know what this is, Dean. I need to know what we are doing..." Castiel tried to say it in a firm voice, but didn't really succeed.

Dean felt a little like he'd just been slapped in the face. He didn't know how to answer Castiel. He didn't know what to tell him. He was so confused about it himself. He didn't even know what he wanted himself. The only thing he knew was that, that weekend with Castiel had been the best weekend of his life and he wanted to experience that feeling again.

 _Thank you for reading :) Hoping you like_

 __

 _Please leave a comment on what you think. I would also really want to know if you would want to read more Destiel from me? I got a few knew ideas, so please let me know if you would be interested in reading anymore from me. Probably very different from this._

 _Love you guys for taking your time to read this! 3_


	28. Chapter 28: What should never be

_Hi folks :) here you have another chapter, sorry it is this short._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own supernatural or any of the characters._

They hadn't talked that much more about it that afternoon, after the tutoring lesson. Dean had tried to evade the question, by excusing himself, because he had to be at the game to warm up, before it started.

"I... I'm not sure... I don't know man..." Dean said a little exasperated. His mind was one big giant mess, when he tried to think about it. "Can't we just have fun and feel good together, without... having to put a label on it?" Dean felt like a jerk, but at the time being, he really couldn't think straight. Every time he thought about it, he just... It was like his brain went out. His mind always went blank, when he, and he always did, thought about what it could or eventually would lead to, if this was really serious. It would lead to telling his dad. He couldn't do that. It would be hard enough to bear that everyone else would look down upon him, but his dad. He couldn't tell him.

It hit Castiel pretty hard, to hear those words. He didn't feel like he could go on with their... Fling? Now that he couldn't really call it anything. Not when Dean didn't really take it seriously. "No, Dean...". Dean interrupted him before he got the opportunity to say anything more. "I really have to go, I need to get ready for the game". He didn't wait for a reply, he just got up and left.

Dean could feel his heart ache, partly because he felt bad for Castiel, that he was entangled with a guy this fucked up and partly because he really took this seriously. The whole reason he couldn't put a label on it, was because he took it too seriously. He thought too far ahead and he couldn't deal with what he thought to be inevitable, if what they had was... serious.

Dean went to the game his head a mess. He just hoped he could forget his feeling on the field. That was usually the only place he could forget about all of his worries. There, and now, at Castiel's house too. That weekend he forgot everything about worries and everything about the outside world. There, there was only them and no worries.

Castiel was left alone in the classroom once more and again with a big hole in his heart. He didn't think he could do this, if Dean couldn't even take it seriously enough to talk about what it was they were doing. He should have known. Of course he couldn't take it seriously, just think about how it all had started. However, it didn't matter how much Castiel had tried not to get his hopes up. He had anyway. He had seen a change in Dean, he found to be a miracle. It had made him think that maybe, just maybe he really liked him and really wanted to be with him. He should have known, that someone as perfect as Dean wouldn't stick with a guy like him. A sad, boring, stupid virgin teacher, who didn't have a social live and never had had a boyfriend or girlfriend or any friend really, before.

Castiel went to the game, to sit in the mob and watch Dean from afar. Just as he was supposed to.

After the game, that they had won because of Dean, Castiel went home, alone. Castiel went straight to bed and tried to sleep. He couldn't though, his mind kept him awake thinking about Dean. He was thinking about those beautiful green eyes and the muscular chest and... all the things, he had to remind himself, he should stay away from. He would from now on try, not to engage in any kind of contact with Dean, that wasn't school related. He had to get him out of his head and get over him. He was too vulnerable to be invested in something he should have known would and could never be.

 _Hope you liked it, or at least don't hate me :) Thank you for reading  
_

 _Please comment your_ _opinions, I would really like to know if you guys still wanna read more._


	29. Chapter 29: Anticipation

_Hi guys :) here's another short one._

 _Disclaimer: Still don't anything except for this flick of my imagination._

They didn't talk the whole weekend. Castiel had been in bed most of the weekend. He binge watched the second season of Game of Thrones. He didn't get up unless he really had to pee or if his stomach was growling so loud, that he wasn't able to hear what happened on the screen anymore. He had made his decision. Unless Dean could give him a real answer and until he did, he wouldn't spend his time of day on him, or try not to. He had decided that he would not talk with him unless it had something to do with school. He just couldn't keep getting his hopes up and get disappointed. He had truly believed that Dean had changed and that they had something... special together.

Apparently not.

Castiel was terrified of seeing Dean on Monday. He wasn't sure he could stick to his decision, if Dean tried to approach him. He really kind of hoped that it would be a really busy day, so that he could keep himself preoccupied and have an excuse to just walk away if Dean tried... Well, anything.

Dean felt like the earth's biggest ass. He really didn't know why he couldn't just get his thoughts together and figure out how to go about it. He wanted to have more of those moments with Castiel like they had had that weekend. Moments where they were just them and were happy together. However, he wasn't stupid, he knew that he couldn't just have his Angel when he wanted too. He knew he had to do something. He just didn't know if he was ready or ever would be. He was kind of stuck in his own mind. Too afraid of the reaction of others to do anything at all really.

That Monday morning Dean woke up way too early, nervous about going to classes. He still didn't have his answer. He knew that it couldn't continue without defining what it is they were doing, but he really didn't understand why that was so important. He just couldn't. He was afraid of what Castiel would say. He had said 'No Dean', but he had interrupted him before he had the opportunity to continue.

He went anyway.

Castiel woke up with a new kind of clarity. He wasn't as nervous anymore. Of course he was afraid of how Dean would act, but he, now, was completely clear about what to do. He wouldn't approach Dean, he had to come to him and if he didn't want to take what they had seriously, he would just accept that and try and forget that anything had ever happened. Easier said than done. But he needed to have some self respect. He knew, very well, that he wasn't a big catch and that he would be lucky to have a guy like Dean. At the same time, however, he knew he deserved better. He knew that he had to put his foot down and tell Dean to back off, if necessary. He just hoped he would be able to it.

Castiel interred the school that Monday morning with a new coldness, he really tried not to care about anything. If you just looked at him, you would in no way, be able to see that he was one, big , giant mess inside.

Dean's first period was English lit with Mrs. Mosely, he was, for once, really paying attention. It kept all his thoughts about meeting his Angel, next lesson, at a distance. Mrs. Mosely was very happy to see Dean actually trying in one of her lessons. She was happy about it, but felt something was off too. She, however, just shook it off, not wanting to take the great change for granted.

When English lit ended, Dean hurried to the next lesson. He hurried to biology as fast as he could without knocking anyone over. He really longed to see his Angel and yet still dreaded it.

Castiel was purposely late to his biology class. He didn't want to talk to Dean before the lesson. He didn't want to get in any way emotional just before standing in front of a full classroom.

 _Thank you for reading :) Please comment your thoughts on this or maybe where you want this to go, only have some loose ideas. This was the last chapter that I had in any way pre written._


	30. Chapter 30: Avoidance

_Hi guys :) Hope you are all doing well. Here's another kind of short chapter_

 _Disclaimer: Like always, I don't own anything._

When Castiel entered his classroom he froze, only for a couple of seconds. His eyes met with green and for a while he became unable to breath. Then he shook it off and started the lesson. He had to get himself together. If Dean didn't take this seriously, he couldn't risk it. Both because he could lose his job, which really was the only thing he got in his life, and even worse he could get hurt. It was not like he hadn't been hurt before, but he really had thought that they were together, for that blissful weekend, he was sure he had found his soul mate.

For the whole lesson he ignored Dean, the only time he paid min any attention was when he knew the answer to a question he had asked. After all he was still his teacher and still, deep down, he just wanted to be there for him. However, when he raised his hand and answered the question correctly, he couldn't help but to feel proud.

Dean felt so lost. He was looking at his Angel and all he could see was a teacher. Not his Angel. Or of course he was his Angel, but there were no emotions in his eyes when he looked at him. No feelings, just nothing. Except for the one time he had answered a question correctly, he could have been wrong, but he was pretty sure Castiel had looked at him proudly.

Dean couldn't handle this. He wanted everything to be the way it was, that Monday after their weekend together. He just wanted his Angel back. He was just so bad at talking about emotions. He knew know that he would have to talk to Castiel about all of his feelings. Really talk to him, not just sob and bawl into his shoulder, while just saying every feeling he felt aloud. He needed to explain properly, the fears he connected to a relationship, this relationship

Dean knew that Castiel probably thought that he didn't take their... relationship seriously. Man it was so hard to even think, let alone say out loud, but if that was necessary to have his Angel at his side, then he would.

Dean tried after class to have a word with Castiel. He packed his back in a hurry but when he looked up again to see his Angel, he had already gone. Dean ran after him, but he was nowhere to be seen. It was like he had vanished in to thin air. Damn it, he really needed to talk to him. He needed to make him understand.

Castiel had run, he had seen Dean look at him, like he wanted to talk to him. He knew that he had thought he would let Dean come to him so they could talk, but it was so scary. What if Dean had made up his mind, that he didn't want anything to do with him.

Castiel knew that that would actually be for the best. Dean could go on and find someone much more deserving of his feelings and neither of them would or could be discovered and get fired or worse expelled.

It happened all through the day, after every class Dean tried to approach Castiel, but he never succeeded. Dean got more and more annoyed that he couldn't get to talk with his Angel and got more and more frustrated. Castiel kept avoiding him with more and more urgency. Every time he saw Dean he looked more and more mad at him, and he felt more and more sure that he would end it. At the end of the day Castiel became absolutely certain that Dean didn't want him anymore and just wanted to dump him, if you could call it that. If they had even been together in the first place.

Castiel ended up going out of the back of the school when he was heading home and sneaking to his car so that hopefully no one (Dean) would see him leaving.

Dean walked the school halls for more than an hour after it had ended. He ended up giving up on finding him. He thought about going to his house, but then he thought that Castiel had probably avoided him, because he really didn't want to see him. He ended up driving home without talking to his Angel.

They both got home, went to bed and tried to sleep. They didn't feel like doing anything else, besides falling asleep and getting away from all the feelings they were dealing with. Unfortunately both of them couldn't escape to their sweet dreams. They were just laying there, awake, and thinking of the other.

This happened all week and Friday, they both looked like shit. They hadn't slept all week and couldn't really concentrate on anything other than the other. Still, Castiel avoided Dean like the plague and Dean tried at every given chance to talk to him. They still hadn't spoken come Friday.

They both ended up going home, again, without speaking to one another. Still laying in bed thinking about each other without being able to sleep.

 _Thank you for reading this. Sorry that this is a little depressing. Please leave a comment on what you think or how much you hate me :P Love you guys_


	31. Chapter 31: Break down

_Hi guys :) here is another one._

 _Sorry like only one sentence is changed_

Cas tried to close his eyes and sleep. Nothing. He just couldn't sleep. He looked at his watch, it was a quarter past one. He kept thinking about green caring eyes looking down on him. He even thought about and almost felt, his muscular body pressing down on him. He had never really been that into sex before Dean. He missed him so much. Both in body, in spirit and in soul. His eyes was hurting and dry from crying, but nevertheless, they still watered up again and tears ran down his temples once more. He turned so he was laying on his side in fetal position and pulled his duvet tighter around him. He just let his tears escape his eyes until his eyes dried once more, before they would tear up again.

Dean was awake in his bed, trying to get some shut eye. It didn't really work. He just saw those cold eyes on the back of his eyelids every time he closed his eyes. That was something he really wanted to go away. He had started to become scared of the classes he had with Castiel. It had physically hurt him, when his Angel looked at him like he was a stranger. Like they hadn't kissed or been intimate together. It had made his stomach drop and turn.

One time in class this week he had been at his breaking point. He had had tears in his eyes, he was fighting not to let them fall. It took everything he got not to choke and sob. He looked at his Angel begging for him to see him, to really see him and talk to him. Their eyes had met. For a second he had thought that the teachers eyes had softened, but he had must been wrong and even if he had been right his face was stern again after that second. He looked even more serious, more cold and more like he didn't give a fudge. This had made Dean break down and run. He had let his things in class and he had run to the bathroom. he slammed his back against the stall door and sled to the floor sobbing and bawling.

Dean opened his eyes. He couldn't bear to look more at these icy blue eyes. He had to talk to him. He simply had to. He looked at the time, it was now half past one. Tomorrow he would go see him. He had to sought this out, he needed to. He couldn't go a day more seeing his cold glare when he shut his eyes, he just couldn't. He tried to sleep once more. He tossed and turned and then he gave up. He couldn't wait till tomorrow.

Dean threw on some clothes just lying on the floor, as he had had no energy to do anything, this entire week. He sneaked out of his dorm and to his car. turned the key in the ignition and though this through one more time. However, he came to the same conclusion. He couldn't survive this way. He had to make things clear.

He drove to Castiel's house in twice of the amount of time it would usually take. Two times he turned around, because he changed his mind, but changed it back again. He also drove a lot slower than the limit permitted, he was very nervous. What if he was just asked to leave? What if he didn't want to listen? What if he didn't want his feelings?

He arrived a quarter to three. He paced in front of the house for four minutes, before he got his act together and finally knocked.

Castiel had just stopped crying for the 7th time this evening, though his face was still red and wet with his tears, when he heard the car stop in front of his house. He already knew who it would be, but he didn't want to get his hopes up. Not this time. Not again. Then he heard the knock and his walls broke down. He ran to the door, about to open but hesitated. What would happen when he opened this door? Had Dean gone tired of waiting for him? Had he gone tired of his distance? Had he lost interest?

He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Dean knocked again. Maybe Castiel was asleep? Maybe he didn't have any problem sleeping, even though their relationship really was no more. Maybe this was what he wanted, to just be left alone. Dean could feel his tears starting to stream down his face. He tried one more time, this time hitting the door with his fist, not just his knuckles, to make sure he would hear it if he really was asleep. He waited a while, but nothing happened. He turned and walked away.

By the third time he heard the knock, Castiel couldn't keep his tears in for the 8th time today. He really wanted to see Dean, but was too afraid of what would happen if he did, to do so. Then he heard footsteps leaving his porch and he panicked.

Castiel hurried to clumsily open the door and stops in his steps, when he saw Dean's hunched back walked slowly and miserably towards his car.

As Dean heard the door open he stopped, but he didn't dare to turn around. He was so afraid. Once more he was standing in front of this man's house, with no idea what to actually say when he was faced with him.

"... Dean...?" He heard the broken voice of his Angel and that was enough to make him turn around.

When green met blue, time stopped. None of them knew what to do and none of them spoke up. They both just stood there, looking at each other. They both forgot how to breath. They were just both so amazed by the sight that met them. Even thought they both looked broken with tears streaming down their faces, they were both stunned by the beauty of the other.

 _Thank you for reading :) Please comment your opinion._

I know these few chapters have been different, hope you like anyway


	32. Chapter 32: Was all of it just a joke?

_Hi there :) hope you are all doing well. I don't really know how I am doing for the time being, but nevertheless, here is the next chapter._

 _Disclaimer: I kind of think you all got it by now ;)_

They were standing like that for a long time. Both not wanting to break the unnatural moment they had.

However, slowly they both realized, that they couldn't just kiss and make up. Too much were on the line and too much had been avoided. For way too long.

"... Cas... " Dean's voice was small and shaky. He tried to continue, but it was like he suddenly forgot how to create a sentence. Instead he ended up closing the distance between them, in two strides. He connected his lips with Castiel's and tried to convey his feelingslike that. He just wasn't good with words and emotions.

Castiel got a surprise and, like on instinct kissed back. This was what he wanted. He wanted him and Dean to be together forever. Then he remembered. He remembered, that they had been here before. He was making a mistake again. He needed answers before he blindly could cast his love on Dean, as his soul so urgently needed. Castiel pulled his head back away from Dean's and their lips disconnected. He looked up at Dean with sad eyes and pushed Dean away from him gently.

"Dean... I can't do this. I... I... Can't be with you if you don't love me like I love you" Cas swallowed and sniffled lightly. "I so desperately wanna be with you! I really, really do... I just... I just... I... I can't!" His eyes fell to the floor, like he couldn't bear what was happening, but continued. "Dean I need to know... If you even ever wanted this? Or did you at least think about it? Did you just play me? Did you even want a relationship with me? Or did you just want some easy accessible ass?".

At this point Castiel had tears streaming down his face like a waterfall. "Just tell me if it was all just a joke or a dare? Or is it because you are ashamed of me? Did I do something to tick you off? or... or..." Castiel turned away from Dean now sobbing uncontrollably.

Dean was speechless. Was that really all of the thoughts that had been rummaging inside his head. Has he caused him to think all of these terrible thoughts. The stream of Dean's tears picked up. He felt so useless. Yes, he had been uncomfortable, about other people knowing about them. But he would never have reacted the way he had if he had known that this is what the result would be.

"No... Cas... I..." He thought hard about what he wanted to say. He knew it would be a lie to say that he never would have done something like that. Before they got together, he probably would, without even batting an eye. He wasn't a good person back then.

"I would never do something like that to you" he sighed out. That was true, he would never do that, not towards Castiel, not towards his Angel. He took a step towards Castiel, he was about to pull him into a hug, but he didn't really feel like he had the right to. It was, after all, his doing, the state Castiel was in. Instead he just put a hand on his shoulder and squished it lightly. Castiel froze at first, but then he started to turn.

"Don't!" Dean said urgently. And Castiel stopped moving. "...Turn around" The last part came out more gently. "I just... I have some things I need to say to you and I'm not sure I can if you turn around.".

"I... I can't promise you that I can be open about our relationship... at least for a while" Castiel interrupted him "But Dean, we can't really be anyway..." Dean cut him off "Cas I know, I didn't mean at school. I meant in general. I... I'm just... I'm so scared at telling my dad... I don't know how I can ever tell him that I'm in love with a man, it scares me to death..." Dean's voice breaks and he starts sobbing.

Castiel couldn't stay like that anymore, he had gotten his answer. He turned towards Dean. He tried to cover away for him, like it physically hurt him to be looked upon by Castiel.

Castiel went on his toes and stretched himself to hug Dean tightly. He placed a hand on his neck and pulled Dean towards him and placed Dean's head in the crook of his own neck. He just held him like that, while Dean was sobbing.

After a while Castiel spoke "You really love me?" Castiel couldn't hold himself back. Dean didn't say anything, but he nodded his head against Castiel's shoulder.

Castiel can feel the happiness bubble up in his chest, the best feeling ever. "I love you too, Dean" He says as he kisses the side of Dean's head and hold him even closer, if possible.

Hope you enjoyed reading :) It would be much appreciated if you would tell me you opinion about this.


	33. Chapter 33: Whatever you want

_Hi guys :)  
Here is another chapter, hope you like_

Dean retracts from Castiel and looks into his eyes. A look filled with love and relief. "I thought I had lost you, that you hated me and didn't want me anymore.". Dean kisses Castiel's forehead and places his own on Castiel's. They stand like that for awhile.

Castiel is the next to break their moment. He lifts his head to look up at Dean's teary face, with a big loving smile on his face. "Come... Dean..." He says and lead him by the hand to his bedroom.

Dean stops in his tracks. He starts to panic a little, did he want them to have sex or just hold each other. He felt so lost. He was used to always know what he wanted to do and just go with it, But with Castiel he never knew, he sometimes thought he knew, but he was never completely sure of what to do. It was very new to him and he just wanted to make it right with Castiel. He wanted to give him everything he deserved.

Castiel answered his answer soon after. He looked him in the eyes, a needy look. It wasn't like a horny look. It was an 'I need you' look, but it was enough.

Their lips clashed, both needy and loving long kisses. They both needed to feel the other close. Dean pins Castiel to his bedroom wall and lick his bottom lip for permission to entrance. Castiel opens up and let him in, they kiss, both fighting for dominance . Castiel ends up giving in and letting Dean take control.

He trail kisses down his neck biting gently at it, trailing all the way down to his neckline. He opens his pajama shirt button one by one and kissing the newly revealed skin after opening each button, all the way down to his pajama bottom. He gets up again kissing Castiel passionately and letting his shirt slide to the floor.

Castiel answer Dean's kiss aggressively and turning the tables. He slams Dean against the wall, kisses down his neck and leaving a mark. He goes down on Dean, lifting the hem of his t-shirt and kissing his skin underneath all the way to his chest and pulls his shirt over his head letting it fall to the floor. They kiss heatedly. Embracing each other.

While they kiss they move to the bed, tripping over their abandoned shirts. Castiel slamming Dean against the soft memory foam on the bed. He hovers over Dean and grind his hips against his. Dean lets out a groan and takes Castiel's face in his hands "... urhh... Cas... I... I love you...". Dean freezes for a second. It wasn't his intention to utter those words. However, his expression changes to one radiating with love for his Angel. He was actually relieved that he was able to, finally tell Castiel his feelings. Castiel got the biggest goofy smile lighting up his face "I love you too Dean!". He leans down to kiss Dean with all the love he had for him.

They grind against each other a while. Dean kissing Castiel ever so softly. Castiel can feel the love through the kiss. He can feel all of Dean's emotions just floating out of him through him, but it isn't enough. He needs more. He needs to feel more of Dean. Castiel wants to take this further, but he doesn't quite know what to do, usually Dean is the one to progress what they are doing and he's kind of scared that maybe sex isn't what Dean wants at the moment.

Dean can feel Castiel slowing down and not quite answering to his kisses. He stops the kiss and it's like Castiel awakes from a daze. He just looks down at Dean with love and... Worry. "Hey, are you doing okay, Cas?" Dean looks at him, now also with a worried face.

"Yeah, Dean I'm fine" Castiel tries and bends his head down to kiss Dean again.

"Cas, you looked really worried, before. You know, you can tell me if you are worried or something or if you don't feel like having sex". Dean became even more worried. "Oh god!" He exclaimed "I didn't force you into anything you don't want, right? Not again!" Dean almost started to panic. He felt like he had to leave. He had promised himself, after he found out how he really felt, that he never wanted to make Castiel do anything he didn't want ever again.

"Dean stop it." Castiel tried to calm him down. When nothing happened, he had to raise his voice, so he thundered "STOP IT DEAN!". This time Dean stopped, still looking worried.

"You didn't do anything I didn't want you to do." Castiel looked at him with urgency, an urgency for him to understand that he wanted him and he hadn't done anything wrong. "But... what was wrong then...?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"I told you, Dean, nothing. Nothing is wrong, everything is fine." Castiel was about to continue talking, but Dean cut in "Damn it, Cas! What is wrong, please tell me if anything is bothering you?" Dean looked at him with pleading eyes.

Castiel gave up. "I just... I just became afraid that you, didn't want me in that way. You... You usually touch me more and... and you... just... I don't know... It just seems like you are not as into it as you usually are" Castiel looks away from Dean's face, to avoid his eyes.

"You really thought that? I made you think I didn't want you?" Dean looked at him with a baffled look. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, Angel" Dean pecked Castiel on the lips. "Believe me, I really want you " Dean said putting emphasis on 'really' "I just want you to feel special. I want to make you feel like you aren't just someone I wanna fuck." Dean looked at him with serious eyes. "It's not something I'm good at, most of the time I've just been taking what I want, But that's not what I want today, I want to give you what you want. I wanted you to be in control, so you, for once, could get what you wants. You decide whether we proceeds or just cuddle for the rest of the night or even who will receive and who will top. You are in charge today".

Castiel almost stopped breathing. He had been nervous that Dean didn't want him, but maybe he had just been holding back to make sure they went at his pace. He couldn't help feeling happiness bubble up inside his chest. He leaned down and kissed Dean passionately. "You know Dean, except for the time I wasn't prepped, and even there, really, I have always enjoyed our coitus together." He smiled at him lovingly. "I know it has been rough and you have been kind of inconsiderate at time, but..." Castiel leaned down to his ear and whispered seductively "Sometimes, I really like it rough".

Dean couldn't help it anymore. He flipped them around and kissed Castiel aggressively. He grinded their hips together and they both felt like they were on fire. Dean pulled Castiel's pants off while kissing and sucking his hips and his inner thighs. Castiel moaned, he wanted Dean, no, he needed Dean. " Dean please, I ... orh... I need you" Castiel moaned.

Dean pulled his own pants on, so they both were in only boxers now. Dean went to Castiel's mouth and kissed him again, kissed him senseless. All the while their still clothed erections grinded together. "Dean... orh... Please..." Castiel whined. Dean kissed Castiel down again, this time removing his boxers and then removing his own, so they both were completely naked. Dean hovered over Castiel, by his crotch, looking up at him with a dirty smirk. He stuck his tongue out licking Castiel's full length, gaining another moan from his Angel.

"What was it that you wanted?" Dean teased Castiel. He was licking his cockhead teasingly, still keeping eye contact with his Angel. "I want you, Dean!" Castiel whined. "How do you want, me Cas? You need to tell me. You are supposed to be the one in charge.".

Castiel moaned again, when Dean kept teasing his cock. He kept licking it teasingly. Kept his tongue on it at all times, except for when he talked to Castiel, but only enough to make Castiel crazy for him to do more.

"Dean I... orh... I need you inside me... I need your dick inside me, in my ass... I... mmmhmm I need you to fuck me!" Castiel exclaimed. Again voicing it so Dean could be in doubt or play stupid, pretending not to understand what he wanted.

"And my Angel gets what he wants" Dean answered. He grabbed the lube from Castiel's nightstand, soaked his finger and entered Castiel's puckered entrance. Castiel winced a little, because it had been a while, but the pain was so good, he moaned again, loudly.

Dean stuck in a finger more and Castiel's moans grew louder and louder. "Dean, please... hmmm... Now!". Dean didn't have to hear that twice. He entered Castiel with a loud pleasurable groan and Castiel whined. He pushed himself all the way inside, so his shaft was completely swallowed by Castiel. He was holding still so his Angel could get used to it, but covered Castiel's face in kisses and ended on his lips, kissing him passionately and lovingly. He kept still until Castiel, almost screamed "Move!" and so he did.

They both clung to each other as if their life depended on it and at that moment, maybe it did. They kissed as if it would be their last kiss and they both screamed the others name, when they climaxed, as if nothing in this would could be more valuable and for them that was the truth. When they both came down from their high, they both collapsed in each other's arms and fell asleep cuddling each other.

 _Hope you enjoyed, It would mean the world to me if you would leave a comment, with your oppinion_


	34. Chapter 34: An unfortunate morning

_So it has been waaaaay too long since I last posted anything. I have had a really bad time at work again. Unfortunately. But that should be over now, hopefully. I have just moved from my childhood home and moved together with my boyfriend, so I have been really busy. I'll hopefully be able to upload more often, but I can't promise you anything. I will do my very best. Anyway here you go! ^^_

 _Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or Supernatural, if I did my ship would be sailing!_

Dean awoke that Saturday morning, with a big smile on his face. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes, was a dark mop of hair almost sticking in his eyes. His smile grew even bigger, if possible. He was lying on his back with Cas at his side. Cas had his head on Dean's chest and was snoring peacefully. Dean had his Angel in his arms and he had never been happier, he wished that this moment would never end!

That, however, wasn't the case. Approximately 5 minutes after Dean woke up he heard a knocking on the door. He sighed and shook Cas lightly "Cas?", Cas was in too deep a slumber to as much as stir at the noise. Dean repeated a little louder " Cas!?" that made Cas stir a little, but he just tucked himself closer in to Dean and nudged his head in the crook at Dean's neck. Dean really didn't want to make him move and just wanted to let him be. Then the knocking could be heard once more, this time it sounded like it was a full fist banging on the door and that shook Cas out of his drowsiness.

Cas scrambled to his feet and ran towards the door. Dean was about to yell after him that he should probably put some close on, just as Cas came running back in, grabbed his pants and ran towards the door once more, while jumping in one leg of his pants, then in the other, while running towards the door. Dean heard a thump and a "I'm okay... YES I'M COMING!" when the knocking continued. Dean snickered to himself until he heard angry footsteps barging in and an angry voice almost yelling "What have you been doing until this late! The time is already 12.30. I thought we had lunch plans today! I got so nervous! Are you ok?" The last part more gently. Dean could hear the voice keep rambling on while he got dressed, it could be really embarrassing if he didn't get dressed.

He had just finished putting clothes on, except for his socks, which he couldn't find anywhere, when he froze at the words "Was it Dean, did he do anything more to you!?". The voice had kept on rambling, but Dean hadn't really bothered to listen to the actual words before at this point. He just really wanted to submerge into bed again, and never return to the world of the living. He felt a wave of shame and nausea flush over him. He would never be able to forgive himself for what he did, he would use the rest of his life to make it up to Cas, if he would let him. That was why, instead of diving back into bed to hide from the world, he emerged from the bedroom to the kitchen where Cas was making coffee, while a short man was talking at him about all of his worries about him.

Dean cleared his throat and both men turned around looking at him in shock. Cas because he really had hoped Dean would have stayed in bed. He really wanted to talk to Gabriel and Dean separately before introducing them to each other. Dean to make sure he actually wanted to meet his family and was ready to take the relationship further, if he ever wanted to. If he even wanted it to be that serious between them. That thought made Cas' mood even worse. Gabe, he wanted to talk to about who Dean was and how their relationship had developed and that Dean really wasn't as bad as he had made him out to be. He sighed and looked defeated.

Gabriel was in shock, because he had never ever thought that this day would come. A day where he would come over to find Castiel had woken with another man or woman or whatever, just with anybody. He dropped his jaw on the floor. He was just stunned. His little (big actually, he just saw himself as the older and more responsible) brother had actually grown up. He had, by the looks of it, gotten himself some tail. Gabriel was speechless, which rarely happened.

Dean got uncomfortable as soon as he saw their faces. He could bear with the face the other man gave him, that could be understandable, Cas' demeanor considered. Cas' face, however, was heartbreaking. He looked like he really had wanted to never let anyone know about their affair. His heart broke a little at the sight of Cas' face. His eyes got wet, because he had finally figured out what he wanted and that he would do everything it took to make everything up to Cas again. He should have known. He should have known that he was too late, that Cas never would be able to trust him again. He could never want something serious with someone this despicable as himself. He could feel a single tear slip down one side of his face.

"Sorry, I.. I have to go now anyway" Dean tried to stay macho and tried to keep his voice unaffected by the tears stuck in his eyes. Dean ran to the front door, put his shoes on and grabbed his jacket and ran to his car.

Castiel had just been standing there, not being able to process what happened while Gabriel turned to face him, with a disgruntled look. It took Cas a while to snap out of it. "Sorry Gabe I... I need to... ehm..." Gabe interrupted him "What are you doing, you assbutt, go get him!". And Cas ran.

He just got to see the end of Dean's car driving off. He looked after it lightly exasperated. He walked back in with a face of defeat. "Why would he just run like that... I thought..." Cas sighed and looked at Gabe, tears in his eyes, as if hoping he would have the answer.

That he had. "Really? You're really asking why? Did you see your face? No, of course not..." Gabe sighed, his brother was such a dumbass. "You really wanna know why he ran?" Gabe asked and looked at Cas as if he had just told him he had seen a real life unicorn. "Of course I do, but how would you know why?" Cas retorted. "Because you looked like seeing him was the worst possible scenario you could have imagined. You looked like it was the end of the world. Maybe it looked like you didn't want me to know or something? You just looked miserable."

Castiel swallowed and looked at Gabe. He was looking like a lost puppy, who didn't know what to do or where to go. "Oh, Gabe, I think I did it again" he still had tears in his eyes. Gabe put a consoling hand on his shoulder. "What was that look for anyway? You really looked like this was the worst possible thing that could have ever happened to you" Gabe scoffed "I think you really should to be happy. It looked like you had fun yesterday" Gabriel teased, winking at him.

Castiel's face flushed red. "...We... did..." He admitted and his face turned, if possible, even more red. "Then why Cas?" Gabriel asked once more.

"I just... I hadn't thought that he would come out here, when you came in. I thought he was too afraid to admit to liking a boy. I thought he didn't want anyone to know. I thought he wouldn't want to meet my family when he have just come to terms with this himself." Cas was so nervous, once more, that he had scared Dean away. "What have I done! What if he doesn't want me anymore what if... What if...". Gabriel interrupted him " Did you see his face?" He asked as if it was the answer to all of Castiel's questions. "Yeah, Gabe... He looked like I just kicked all the air out of his lungs and..." But he didn't get any further before he got interrupted again. "No!" Gabriel hurriedly said "Before that... Before your weird constipated facial expression?" Cas looked to the floor "I... didn't..." He admitted.

"If you had, you would have your answer... Brother I swear you are hopeless!" Gabriel chuckled to himself. "One should really think that I was the oldest. He looked at you with the joy and glee of a five-year-old at Christmas. He looked at you like you were the answer to all of his prayers. Like you were his sun. Just... I don't think you can scare him away, unless you really don't want anything to do with him. Anyone would be able to spot his feelings for you from miles away" . This made Cas face turn from a frown to an expression of glee. "Realy?" He asked. "Really, really!" Gabriel replied.

Cas wanted to go and find Dean, but Gabriel demanded to get the full story, before he was allowed to wander off to find Dean. Just as Cas had told Gabe all about Dean and him, and he was about to grab the door handle to his front door, there was a knock on it. Believing it to be Dean who came back to him he opened it, before the tall, long haired boy on the other side had even stopped knocking.


	35. Chapter 35: Just peachy

_Hi guys  
Another chapter, a very short one though. I just thought it fit to cut it here. I can't get anymore out tonight or day or whatever. Here it's 4 in the morning, because I just wrote most of the night. ^^_

 _Disclaimer: If I owned supernatural and the characters, my ship would, as previously stated, be sailing. So obviously I don't._

Dean had run to his car and driven back to the dorm, far too fast to keep the speed limit. He had made the most shitty parking he had ever done. He ran to his dorm room, burst in, slammed the door after him and threw himself at the bed. Not even noticing his roommate actually being here for once. He was too busy trying to stop the tears that kept falling stubbornly from his face, without his permission.

Garth was a peculiar personality. He wasn't close to Dean but they talked occasionally. They just hadn't had much in common this far and he spend most of his time with his sweetheart Bess. Garth had never seen Dean show much emotion before today, so it was hard for him to know what would be right to do. He decided that he wanted to cheer Dean up. He crept, on the floor, to the side of the bed closest to Dean's head. Garth put his head on the edge of the bed and asked if Dean was okay. Dean just looked at him with his teary eyes and grunted "everything's just peachy!"

Garth moved his hand from the floor to the edge of the bed. To his horror Dean saw the sock puppet Garth had made in his project about how to talk to kids, in social studies. "Are you sure!?" The 'sock puppet' exclaimed in a squeaky voice "Cause mister fizzle can tell when you're being a liar!". Dean strangled the sock puppet, threw it at the wall and snarled at Garth "Fudge off!". Garth, however, couldn't get himself to regret his stupid decision, to use the sock puppet, because he had at least managed to get Dean to stop crying.

"Allright Dean, I'm gonna leave you be" Garth said. He wasn't really lying, even though he was on his way to go get Sam. After all, he wouldn't be the one to come back to pester him about what was wrong.

Dean was laying there, trying to fall asleep, but didn't manage to. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Cas' face. He only had the room to himself for about 10 minutes before the doors slammed open and in walked Sam and sat beside him at is bed.

"What happened?" he simply asked.

"Cas... Cas... he... I don't think he will ever forgive me for what I have done..." Dean started sobbing again and he couldn't even get himself to care now. After all, he had just admitted to himself that after having laid in Cas' arms filled with love, he wouldn't be able to survive without him. He would forever want to be embraced in those arms.

"What have you done this time?" Sam exclaimed exasperatedly.

"Not... anything... I think..." Dean sobbed "Not anything... new"

Dean told Sam what had happened and Sam tried to get Dean to go to Cas' house to talk to him, but he flat out refused. He couldn't bear to see him again, if Cas wouldn't embrace him. Sam tried to calm him down and comfort him. Nothing really worked, before he finally fell asleep, but it seemed like a restless sleep full of nightmares.

Sam got up, grabbed Dean's keys and ran to the impala. He really hoped it would be worth it, because if Dean ever found out he would kill him.

 _Thank you for reading :) I really hope you all had the patience to wait and will too in the future. I'm gonna try my best for you guys. When you comment or fave it just makes my day and makes me wanna do more work on my fic. It's realyl motivating. So THANK YOU 3_


	36. Chapter 36: Sammy takes action

Hi guys

I am so sorry for the looooong wait. I have been even more down lately and for the time being I'm on sick leave because of stress. I will try to update soon, but unfortunately I can't promiss anything, 'cause I'm not doing so good.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I still don't own the Supernatural Franchise.

Enjoy the read.

Cas and Gabe just gaped at the boy. Gabe hadn't seen him before, but oh he wish he had. That silky smooth brown shiny hair, who had hair like that anyway, only in shampoo commercials does hair ever look so shiny. And the tallness of the gorgeous creature standing in front of them, combined with his perfectly toned muscles under his plaid shirt. Gabe was once more flabbergasted that day. Which doesn't normally occur, at all.

Cas could vaguely remember seeing the boy around campus. He could be mistaken, but he would have to be a sophomore, simply because he didn't teach many sophomore classes, though his tallness spoke otherwise.

The boy was the first one to break the silence. He addressed Cas "Castiel? I have to speak to you!" He looked pleadingly at Castiel, with eyes similar to ones of a puppy. "Can I come in?". Castiel was about to open his mouth to tell him that it wasn't really a very good time , but Gabriel beat him to it and answered "Come right in!". He took the boy by the arm and let him inside and led him to the sofa, where he sat down beside him. All the while he ignored all Cas' objections and exclamations.

"What can we do for you?" Gabriel asked, when Castiel had finally sat himself down in the armchair opposite the sofa. Sam looked at Gabriel with eyes full of appreciation and turned his gaze towards Castiel.

"I'm Sam, Dean's brother" Sam started. This made Castiel freeze completely. "I'm here because Dean once more, is lying in his bed sobbing like a little schoolgirl because of unrequited love". Castiel gaped at Sam's words. He really couldn't imagining Dean being like that. "He is?" Castiel just asked dumbfounded.

Sam was about to start talking, but got interrupted by Gabriel. "He is, really? How can he be the one sobbing like a freaking little girl!?" Gabriel had gotten kind of angry, this guy could be as beautiful as a god or... goddess, but still, how can he be the one to weep when he had caused his little brother so much sadness such sorrow. So he continued "Do you have ANY idea how much pain your stupid big brother have brought upon my brother? Do you have any idea that he have been closing himself in his house every night alone, neglecting anything else, even dinner plans with his so called brother." Gabriel pointed at himself with his thumbs and continued. "He has been crying his eyes out and felt like the scum of the earth" At this point Castiel had tried to interrupt for a while, but couldn't get a word in. "Your brother has really hurt Cas, both physically and emotionally. So he can cry his eyes out for all I care!" Gabriel finished his speech with a humph, crossed his arms and sat back in the couch.

"I..." Sam looked unsure, as if he wasn't sure coming here was the best idea he had ever had. He continued anyway, he had to, for Dean. "I... I know... That my brother can be the biggest ass out there. Until really recently he haven't treaded anyone right, not even himself, except for me. He has been sleeping around.". This made Cas make a face, Sam continued nevertheless "he have been eating unhealthy or not eating at all and he have played dumb in class, not because he don't know the stuff or don't want to, per say. He just... He is so used to people not believing in him, except for his little brother, of course, but he always just assumed that it was because I just had to look up to him. He even almost didn't go to college, because our dad thought it would be a waste of time, but I convinced them that it would be a good idea." Sam had to take a break from his ramble to take a breath, but continued soon after. "Since he met you, he has been smiling again, without even noticing it himself, but every time anything went wrong between you too he would just lie in his bed and cry himself to sleep, most of the time that wouldn't work so he ended up going out to drink himself so hammered that he could go home and pass out on his bed. He even told me about you, don't worry no details" Sam added when he saw Castiel's face" But he have never told me about anyone he likes before, I have never seen him be with someone more than once, because he didn't believe in love. He didn't believe anyone could ever love him. That has changed. He even considers telling our homophobic father about you and him and that is something I never thought possible for him to even consider, he is too afraid of him and of his disapproval to ever do anything that he wouldn't approve of. I know it probably sounds like small things to you, but they are huge! " Sam took in another deep breath before continuing.

"So please! I know that he is a fudging stupid moron, but he's a moron who really, really loves you, so please give him a chance!" Sam begged. If he had to beg to get Dean a chance at happiness, he would, as much as it was required!

Sam's speech had brought tears to Castiel's eyes. "Are you sure?" He asked Sam "Are you really sure that he feels that strongly about me?" Cas said, now almost sobbing with happiness.

Sam smiles brightly at him. "Pretty sure!"

Cas suddenly stood up "I have to go to Dean" He said, his voice full of joy. Then his smile faded "Do you know where he went?" Cas asked Sam nervously. Sam smiled even bigger "He's in his dorm room, probably sobbing or sleeping". Cas said goodbye and ran out the door, leaving Gabe and Sam alone in his living room.

Gabriel looked at Sam and smirked. "So Dean's brother, huh?" he asked. Sam just answered with an awkward nod, but Gabriel continued anyway. "So do you guys bat for the same team?" Gabe said winking at him. Which made Sam look like a boiled lobster.

Castiel speeded all the way to the school and ran to Dean's dorm room, not caring how it would look to other people. He knocked on Dean's door and heard no answer. He thought about it for a moment and decided to just walk in. He opened the door, but didn't dare to look at Dean yet, so he turned around, face towards the door, looking towards the floor, seeing the handle of the door and thinking that he should probably make sure nobody could interrupt them. No matter what this conversation would lead to, is something he really should not be doing as a teacher here.

Castiel made a deep intake of air and breathed out once to prepare. He turned around and saw Dean lying on his bed breathing steadily, probably sleeping.

Thank you so much for reading! a big shoutout to WickedPiscky, you made this chapter happen with your review. Really guys your reviews are making a world of difference! It makes me gather the last bit of energy I have to actually write, cause even though I want to, right now it's sometimes too hard. Love to you al :)


	37. Chapter 37: Reuniting?

_Hi Guys  
I'm so sorry for the looooong wait (if anybody even wanna read any more of this...) But i promised to finish this and that is what I'm gonna do. I have had a hard time. I got a new job and I'm doing a lot better. Then I got pregnant and me and my boyfriend was really happy, but I lost it and is still moving forward from there. But afterward we got engaged and is getting married next summer. And we are still trying to get a child :)_

 _I still doesn't own spn og the charecters. Enjoy!_

Castiel was nervous. He wasn't sure how to approach Dean or... or... his brain was just completely blank. He looked at the sleeping boy, full of love. He loved him. He was so scared of the feelings Dean made him feel, but at the same time it was the best he had ever felt. He would give anything in this world to keep this feeling, to keep Dean by his side, to make him feel all these, before unknown, feelings.

Castiel snapped out of it when Dean made a particularly amazing snoring sound. He couldn't help but chuckle. He walked closer to Dean, but then stopped. He still didn't know what to do. He had to wake him, but he was still scared that Sam wasn't right. He didn't know if his heart could take anymore bruises, if it would finally brake completely if Sam was wrong. He had seemed so sure and so had Gabe and that was from only one look. He had to, he know that the risk would be worth it, if there was even a slight possibility that Dean would smile at him again.

After gathering his thoughts and concluding that it would be worth it no matter the outcome, Castiel sat down on the bed near Dean's head. Hesitantly he put a hand on Dean's head and brushed his fingers through his hair. This made Dean slowly move to his side, facing Castiel. He was smiling. He looked like someone having a sweet dream. Castiel couldn't hold a soft smile from his own face. If it all went to the rats now it would already have been worth it, he had seen his smile. Castiel was about to get cold feet, he moved his hands from Dean's head. He was about to move from the bed when Dean led out a thin whiny sound, like he was about to cry. Then he heard a whisper, which made him sit don't and resume brushing his fingers through Dean's hair. "... nnng... Caaas... Don't... Don't leave me..." was what Castiel heard slipping over Dean's lips. He couldn't bear the look of hurt on Dean's face and then a single tear slipped down his face and landed on the bed. His heart was aching. It seemed real. Sam and Gabe might be right. At least, he had to get that expression away from Dean's face. He would make sure that it would never again be his fault that Dean's face made that expression.

Castiel got up from the bed at heard Dean whine again. "Nnnnno... Don't go!" Dean's voice sounded desperate. For a moment Castiel actually thought that Dean had woken up, but it was still just a bad dream. Castiel went around the bed at took of his tan trench coat. He took off his shoes and crawled on the bed. He laid down behind Dean and wrapped his arms around him. He heard a relieved sigh leave Dean's lips and a comfortable humming came from his throat.

Castiel got a little eager and squeezed him in his arms. Dean groaned and squeezed back at Castiel's arms. Then he went completely still and Castiel felt he had to say something, but wasn't quite sure what would be the right thing to say. He ended up going for "Dean? Are you awake?"

Dean had a really bad dream. Castiel had wanted to leave him and nothing worked, no matter what he did, how much he begged he didn't wanted stay with him. Then the dream changed. It had all just been a really bad joke, a misunderstanding of sorts and Castiel came back to him. Castiel had his arms around Dean and squeezed him.

Dean woke from the squeezing and just squeezed back. The perfect way to wake after a great night! Why was he dressed and with shoes on? Then he remembered. All that happened that morning came back to him. He panicked for a moment and went still before he realized that there was still somebody squeezing him pleasantly. Who could that be?

His thoughts were interrupted be a voice "Dean? Are you awake?". It was Castiel's voice. How was he here? He was completely dumbfounded for a second before he suddenly turned around to look at him. He looked at him in awe. "How are you here? Why are you here?" Dean asked, with pressure on the word why. Castiel flushed and looked away from Dean's confused face.

"I... Dean I... I'm sorry about this morning..." He didn't know how to continue and his thoughts got interrupted by Dean. "It's okay Castiel" Dean said, bitterness in his voice "I can tell when I'm not wanted" . Castiel looked up at Dean with worry and urgency in his features. Dean really thought he didn't want him. He had been so stupid. "No... Dean... You Don't understand..". Dean interrupted again and pushed himself up into a sitting position and away from Castiel. "Oh, I understand alright! I'm good enough for a quick fuck, but you don't want anyone to know about it, not even your friends". Dean got up from the bed and turned to look at Castiel, now he was almost yelling. "You know, Castiel" It hurt Castiel to hear Dean use his full name, now that he had become so accustomed to his nick name, he winced every time Dean called him like that. "I really understood why anyone couldn't know about us, I get it! I know people at school can't know! I know that it could get you fired and maybe even me expelled, it was fine! But I thought this was serious enough to tell our friends and maybe even our family... I thought we were serious... I thought I had found the one to share the rest of my life with... but apparently not!" Dean looked towards the floor, unable to look Castiel in the eyes, for a minute. Then he turned to walk away.

He knew this was unfair, that he was just protecting himself, saying all this. He was just really hurt, he knew nobody could love him. Then how could Castiel love him? With everything he had done? Of course he couldn't, no surprise there. He had just led himself to believe that this could be his chance. That this was the exception that proved the rule. "You know I really loved you..." Still does moron, he thought to himself.

Castiel came with a choked sound and Dean had to use his willpower to the fullest not to turn around and throw himself at Castiel. He started to walk towards the door, but stopped still facing the door unable to look at Castiel "You can find the door yourself, can't you?" Dean asked with a voice full of bitterness. "Please don't come find me if you want a quick fuck again... I..." Deans voice cracked "... I can't do that anymore..."

Castiel had been so sure when he heard Dean dreaming that they would fix all their problems and misunderstandings. He had to explain, say something, make Dean understand. Castiel rushed forward and grabbed Deans flannel, before he could reach the door.

"Dean... You have to listen! You need to know... That... " Before Castiel could finish his sentence Dean turned around and yelled "No, CAS! I don't have to understand! If you don't want to be with me FINE! BUT THEN LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!". Dean had tears streaming down his face as he broke down in front of Castiel. "But Dean I DO!" Castiel started yelling back "I DO WANNA BE WITH YOU! ... I love you..." The last part came out as a tiny whisper barely hearable.

Dean stopped his sobbing. He slowly lifted his sight upon Castiel and saw him standing there also with tears streaming down his face and looking down upon the floor. His heart fluttered. Castiel really loved him!

He took one step towards Castiel and put his arms around him. "You really love me?" Dean asked, still not fully comprehending what Castiel had just said. Castiel just put his arms around Dean and nodded against his chest. Dean took his face in his hands and lifted it, so he could look into his eyes. He put his forehead against Castiel's, closed his eyes and took a moment to enjoy the moment. "I love you too, Cas" Dean whispered with all the love he could muster.

 _I hope it was allright :) I wanna tell everyone out there that no matter what you are going through, you are stronger than you think you are and you can do it! and if you feel like you can't, then ask for help. It's hard but worth it. You can't always write me if you need someone to talk to about anything! hugs from me!_


	38. Chapter 38: The two brothers

_Hi again guys_

 _This is soon the end of this. I hope it's ok. Enjoy._

 _I still don't own Supernatural or any charecters_

They stand like that for a long time just enjoying to be in each other's arms. Castiel never wanting to let go of Dean again. He wants to make sure he will never feel like Castiel doesn't want him again Never!

Dean is enjoying the moment just as much as Castiel is, but he still needs an answer. "erhm... Cas...?" Castiel is relieved that he is Cas again and not Castiel. "Yes, Dean?" he answers. "Why did you look like that when your friend saw me?" Dean asked uncertainty staining his voice. Why didn't Castiel want his friend to know about them?

Castiel withdrew his forehead from Dean's and looked and smiled at him with a face full of love. "Dean, it wasn't because I didn't want you to meet him or wanted him to know. I just thought you wouldn't want to meet my brother so soon after you, yourself came to term with your feelings and our... relationship" Wow they both thought almost as one, that felt good to hear and good to say.

Dean smiled back at him completely filled to the brim with love for his Angel. He just nodded at him, until he realized what Castiel had just said. "So that was your brother? Your real brother? I just met your brother? For the first time? And then just ran away?" Dean was trying to breath steadily, but he wasn't really succeeding.

Castiel answered with laughter in his voice "Yes Dean. It appears so". Dean was so embarrassed, he didn't mind at all meeting his Angels family, but he didn't think it would be this soon and it really didn't ever occur to him that it could have been in that particular way. It was fine, just really embarrassing. He only had a problem with Castiel meeting his family, not the other way around. Sam not counting

"So... should we go and meet your brother again, this time without me running away like teenage girl who just got dumped?" Dean looked at him with eyes saying that he was ready for this, that this was ok. That he could handle this. Castiel, however, still had to ask. "Are you sure Dean? Are you sure it's ok for you? Not too soon? You don't have to if you don't want to. It can wait" Castiel was maybe a tiny bit afraid that Gabriel would be too big a mouthful for Dean, he could be... eccentric, to put it nicely.

Dean looked at Castiel again with the doubt creeping into his mind. "Are you sure _you_ are okay with me meeting him?" Castiel looking confused at first. Hadn't he just told Dean that... oh and then he caught on to why Dean might have thought that. "No, Dean I'm completely fine with it. I am, however, a little scared that he is going to scare you away... He can be a bit too much and that is putting it nicely, believe me".

Dean looked at Castiel again with all the love you could humanly possible put into one look. "Nothing could scare me away" Dean said coyly, the smirked and winked at him, before starting towards the door. Castiel pulled him back by the arm cupped Dean's face with both his hands and graced his lips softly and looked up at his bright green eyes. "I really do love you, Dean" He said before again closing the distance between them and caressing Dean's lips with his own. Dean let a light and content moan slip from his lips and took Castiel in his arms and kissed him as though it was the last kiss they would ever share. In reality he really hoped it would be the first kiss of this kind out of hundreds and thousands billions or maybe even more they would share together.

Castiel ended the kiss when he ran out of air and huffed a little when their lips parted. When he had caught his breath he started towards the door and looked back at Dean with a smirk plastered on his face "Are you coming Dean?". Then Dean started after him and laughed. They were smiling way too big to not have been deemed suspicious if anybody saw them, but luckily nobody did.

When they arrived at Castiel's house, they were both still smiling from ear to ear. They entered the living room together, holding hands talking about which kind of food they each favored. Cas didn't really have a favorite, but he couldn't disagree with Dean when he said that bacon cheeseburgers and pie was some of the greatest pleasures in life, right after sex of course. They both became flabbergasted when they actually perceived the sight they were met with, when they entered the living room. Castiel stalled midsentence about to make a comment about how he hopes he means sex with him.

What they saw was their two brothers sitting on top of each other basically eating each other's face. This was too weird for Dean to comprehend. Castiel put on his teacher demeanor and just cleared his throat. They hurriedly scooted away from each other and looked... Well Sam looked embarrassed. Gabriel just looked like he had just gotten the greatest snogging in his life. Which was probably true, judged by the looks of their disheveled clothes.

Gabriel just got up and reached his hand out to shake Dean's. It took Dean a few moments to shake himself from the shock of seeing his, before believed to be straight, little brother making out with his boyfriends little brother on the couch. Dean reached out and shook his hand . "Heard a lot about you Deano. You will have to do better towards Castiel than previously if you don't want to suffer a terribly horrible death." There was a pause before he cried out in laughter . "Just kidding. Oh My God you should have seen you face!" He started heaving for air through the laughter "haha... just... hi...he... just kidding... hehe... hihi... haha..." He kept laughing for a while, everybody else quiet, as they didn't know how to react. Then he suddenly stopped and whispered so only Dean could hear it "... Or not".

After the awkward revelation they decided to all just watch a movie together and order some dinner. Dean and Cas occupied the couch while Sam and Gabriel were making out, very disturbingly might one add, in the armchair. What a crazy day.

 _Thank you for reading. All good to you!_


	39. Chapter 39: Sweet love, or?

_Hi guys :)_

 _One more chapter_

This was the best Dean had felt in a very long time, maybe ever. The only time he could recall being anyway near as happy as now he was eating his mothers homemade pie, surrounded by both his mother and father and his small baby brother was making happy gurgling sounds while crawling around on the floor with a little wooden car. He just realized that that was almost twenty years ago. That kind of made him feel old.

He woke up the next Monday morning feeling absolutely amazing. Castiel and him had spend all day together Sunday just watching movies and making out and maybe something more. He was so happy he almost squealed, but that wouldn't have been a very manly thing to do, so he didn't. He woke up long before Garth, which was highly unusual. He just couldn't sleep in, his mood was too good and he was looking forward to see his Angel far too much. His first class was English lit. Just like the first day he saw him. He remember the crazy amazing feeling he had staring into Cas' blue orbs and being completely spellbound. He was so thrilled to see Castiel today, that he had happy jitters.

English lit was so boring. He could for the life of him not concentrate on the lesson. He ended up drawing small hearts in his notebook instead of writing any notes. Mrs. Moseley was keeping an eye on Dean and his hearts. She didn't even have the heart to make him listen, which was obvious, that he wasn't. She was just so happy to see him happy. She didn't even really care why, but finally there was a smile on his face. On the other hand he still had to listen to the other teachers, so maybe better she burst his bubble than one of the other teachers who wouldn't have mercy on him.

"Can anyone tell me how evolution of Shakespeare's plays reflects the growth and development in his own life?" She looked towards the students and as she expected nobody raised a hand. She looked towards Dean and saw that he still wasn't listening. "Dean? Can you answer the question?". Dean looked up looking confused and slightly embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't hear it" He mumbled.

" I was wondering, now that you all should be familiar with Shakespeare's work, if you can tell me how evolution of Shakespeare's plays reflects the growth and development in his own life?" She did not expect him to answer the question or even try. But she was surprised.

"I'm not really sure of the order of things. But...ehh... we can see the lifestyle from the Renaissance, which is the time he lived in... ehm... for example the play Henry V is celebrating the military success England had then... ehm... " Dean stopped to think two seconds, but Mrs. Moseley was already impressed, when you think about the fact that he wasn't even listening in the first place. She was about to relieve him of his burden when he continued talking.

"It is believed, by the critics that the darkness and talk of death in Hamlet and Macbeth had something to do with the fact that his son Hamnet dies when he was only eleven years old... ehm... then it's believed that his later plays King Lear, The Tempest and The Winter's Tale which focuses on a fathers bond to his daughters, reflected his own bond to his two grown up daughters... ehm... then... there is... ehm... the... ehh...the play the tempest is said to reflect his own retirement and also his own writing as the... the... eh... guy in it... is controlling some fairies and the... ehh... land or... world on the island... like he controls his stories and in some ways how people at the time thought... by writing these... stories..." Dean was almost out of air when he stopped talking. His brain had just gone on autopilot.

Mrs. Moseley was flabbergasted. She had been right she knew it. He had absorbed, at least some of the information in class, even though he didn't act as if he paid attention. She was so proud of him. It was not the best answer, but for Dean it was extraordinary. "That was very good Dean!" She said almost proudly "anyone has anything more to add?" She asked. Complete silence followed. Sometimes she didn't particularly love her job. However teaching Dean was a bright spot in the darkness.

Dean had been totally weirded out by the fact that when he was done with his rant to answer Mrs. Moseley's question, he looked down into his 'notes' and saw a lot of neatly drawn hearts with his and Castiel's name in them. Even one that just had 'My Angel' written in it. So embarrassing! He really hoped nobody had seen it.

Despite of the embarrassing doodles, he was wearing the biggest grin when Cas entered the classroom. Dean had hurried there to make sure he was there before the teacher. He was looking as good as always in his shirt, dress pants and his too big trench coat. Dean stared until Castiel had taken of his Trench coat, which by the way, made his pants tighten and then he looked towards his students and once more Green met Blue and sparks were flying. They both smiled from ear to ear and nothing could ruin their mood today. That's how the lesson and the whole day progressed with both the Winchester and his Angel smiling brightly.

They had a date later that day and he was looking forward to it. Like crazy.

After school had passed He showered, put on a nice shirt, brushed his teeth and put some product in his hair. On his way he started getting a little bit nervous , they hadn't really gone on a date before. They had planned to drive to Springfield, where they felt pretty confident they wouldn't know anybody, as it's a two hours drive away. When he arrived Castiel wasn't completely ready. He knocked on the door and a very frantic Castiel answered the door. "Hello Dean. I will need a few more minutes to get ready. Do you want to come in?" Dean flashed his Angel a big smile, kissed him on the cheek and said, while trying to keep in a bubbly laughter, "I'm just gonna wait by my car". Castiel smiled goofily at him while closing the door. He had so looked forward to this date. Their first one. It would be amazing. Just being out on the street, being able to hold hands and just not worrying about anything else than each other. He led out a little scream of happiness as he rinsed out his toothbrush and looked himself in the mirror, trying to flatten his hair down a little but nothing was working. He should have known this. He hurried out the door and practically ran into Dean's arms, but stopped mid run as he remembered their 'relationship' as student teacher. He cleared his throat and gave him the hand for a handshake. Dean shook it awkwardly. Then Dean opened the door for his Angel, so he could get in and they could get going.

They had been driving for about 25 minutes in awkward silence, when Castiel finally broke the silence. "So Dean, where are we going?". Dean flashed him a small smirk, "You know where we're going, we're going to Springfield". "You know that wasn't what I meant, Dean" Castiel sighs exasperated.

Dean can't hold back a laugh " It is a surprise".

After two hours of driving and fun they arrived at a nice restaurant. One of those places that isn't too fancy, but still not just your regular family place. Castiel was kind of impressed, knowing Dean it would have been a burger joint or something, because he knew that Dean likes that better than most other food.

The valet parked the car and they were showed to the table Dean had reserved. "Dean. you really shouldn't have done this. I just wanted a night where we could go out holding hands like a normal couple does. But this makes me very happy Dean". Castiel was smiling from ear to ear and his happiness was basically shining through his eyes.

After dessert they went to take a stroll through the nearby park. This was the best night of their day when they could just be themselves and be together.

 _Thank you for reading. Hope you all are doing well!_


	40. Chapter 40: Telling dad

_Hi Guys_

 _This is the last chapter before the epilogue, hope you will enjoy!_

 _I wish I owned Supernatural and the charecters, but i still don't._

It was a horrible day! Or at least that is what Dean felt deep in the pit of his stomach.

It was soon the end of the school year and he couldn't wrap his head around it. He never thought he would reach a point where he would get to graduate. But with the help of Castiel and Sammy he had ended up achieving a fairly high average. He never though he could be so happy to have succeeded school. He had even applied for college at one of the local community colleges. He wanted to study mechanical engineering.

But on this particular day, this horrid day, Dan and Castiel were going to meet Deans father. Dean hadn't wanted to warn his dad so he had just asked if he come home for a weekend with Sam and a friend. He didn't think he would ever be able to do what he wanted to do if Sam hadn't agreed to go with.

After a long car ride and Dean turning the car twice in panic until Castiel had asked if he should drive and Sam and Castiel had been surprised when Dean gave up and said that he wouldn't be able to drive closer to home without hyperventilating.

When there was roughly half an hour till they would be there, Castiel spoke up again.

"Dean?" Dean looked at Castiel and he looked scared shitless. "If you don't want me there tonight or even tomorrow I can just get a motel room". Castiel gave him a side glance and then looking back to the road. "I don't want you to do this if you feel you can't"!

Dean could hear the urgency and concern in Castiel's voice. "Cas... I... I want you to come... I'm just scared... But I want to be able to go to my home and hold your hand and show my dad that I found someone to love".

Castiel's cheeks flushed. After all this time it still sometimes surprised Castiel that under Deans roughness he was soft and not afraid to tell him how much he loves him. Castiel cleared his throat, he always got all emotional, when Dean told him of his feelings. He still couldn't grasp how such a beautiful person could love him. "As long as this is what you want... Dean..."

Castiel trailed off. Because now they were here. The car got silent as he stopped it in front of the house. Bobby was the first person to greed them. "Hey you Idjits" He said in an affectionate tone. And gave first Sam and then Dean a hug.

"I didn't know you would be here Bobby" Dean laughed while still caught in the hug. "Did you think I wouldn't want to be here, when you brought your first boy home". His question came out relaxed and normal but Dean froze completely. Bobby looked at him with a stern face. "Did ya really think I wouldn't know about my boys ?"

Then it was Sam's turn to look confused and perplexed "Boys? You mean..." Sam trailed of all nervous.

"Yes, I meant exactly what I said BOYS! I know the both of you falls for whoever deserves it!" He gave them a loving smile and shook Castiel's hand and Deans heart released a bit of the tension it had and it didn't feel quite as tight know. Whatever his their dad was gonna say they would still have Bobby on their side.

Now they just had to tell their dad.

The dinner was so awkward. John had greeted Castiel politely. Dean had thought for a moment that he wasn't gonna be an ass, but he was wrong. Then began the jokes about his name and how weird it was that he made friends with a guy older than him and how they had met.

Castiel had answered everything politely.

"Castiel isn't a normal name? Is it? Who calls their kids Castiel?"

Castiel was of course used to this and answered politely. "My parents are very religious, so all of my siblings are named after Angels". This made John laugh in a grunting way.

"So how old are you even? You seem older than my boys?" He gave Castiel a challenging look. Castiel looked calm, he had expected such questions, but not before announcing they were together.

"You are right, I'm 28 soon turning 29." Cas answered with short and precise answers. He wasn't here to defend himself. Just being here for Dean. That was his purpose for being here.

John huffed and then wanted to know "Where did you meet, how did you become friends?" . Dean was about to open his mouth to answer, but Castiel interrupted him. "We met in class. I am Dean's teacher in Algebra, History, Biology and Religion. He needed help with homework, so I helped and then we found out that we had quite a lot in common and like talking with each other" Castiel had been close to expose their relationship. But that wasn't his secret to tell.

Dean coughed. He hadn't known that Castiel would be so honest. He had just thought that they would lie or tell him that they met in class. Bobby however knew, he put two and two together like always. He knew that Dean was sating his teacher. Bobby looked from one to the other and thought about it. It was unusual, but then again he had never seen Dean so happy and he was old compared to the others in his class. He was quite sure that if anyone had seduced anyone it was Dean. He ended up deciding just to be happy for them. If it was serious enough for Dean to bring him home and introduce him to John this would most likely be forever, at least that must be what Dean was thinking in this moment and what showed on his face.

There was a silence and Dean looked questioning at Castiel. Castiel smiled encouraging and took Dean's hand under the table. This gave Dean the courage he needed. "Dad!?" He had said it a little too loud for a dinner but he just had to get it out. "I have something to tell you!" John just looked at him awaiting the new.

"I have someone... that I am in love with and... that I have wanted to bring home for a while now..." He gulped and looked at all of their faces... John looked stone face and both Bobby and Sammy were grinning at him. "... And that is why I have brought Cas here tonight" Dean hoped he would understand. But it was like he hadn't heard the last part.

"Then why didn't you just bring her?" John huffed, seeming a little annoyed that he had brought a friend instead of the girl he was with.

Dean hesitated again. He was so scared. But he had to do this. " I did. But it isn't a her, dad. I'm together with... I'm in love with Castiel."

John just said there for a while still with his stern stone face on. After what seems like forever he got up and walked out the garden door. Dean knew this wouldn't end well. He looked at Castiel in worry and hopelessness. Castiel embraced him and Dean felt his tears spill over his cheeks. This was his biggest fear coming true.

Bobby stood up just as suddenly and walked out after John. This couldn't be happening! It was the most important day in Dean's life and John just walked out. Bobby wasn't mad he was furious. He had to control himself.

When he got to the garden John was sitting on a stone looking down at the grass. Bobby got over there and sat down beside John. John tensed. "What are you doing?" Bobby asked through gritted teeth trying to hold his anger back. "John looked at Bobby shocked, he was nearly never mad at anything so seeing him like this was a shock to John.

"I just can't accept it..." John looked like he wanted to say anymore. However Bobby cut him off.

Now he let his fury out he just couldn't contain it anymore. He was yelling

"What exactly can't you accept? That your boy is in love? and with a strapping young man at that? Man is that it? or is that that he now has turned into a fully respectable human being and isn't a fucked up young man anymore. So you are alone in being fucked up or what?" Bobby breathed out and took a short break. He was not yelling anymore when he continued. " Are you really such an idjit? Are you willing to lose him too, just because you don't understand his preferences or agree?" John was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say and just blinked.

"Because that is what is gonna happen if you can't accept him as he is. He really loves this guy and he turned his life around. He wasn't doing well and he wasn't gonna graduate the way his life was going. Not before he met Castiel. He has turned his life around and going to graduate and going to college. You should be happy he is happy. That's really all that matters. If you can't do that for them, then you are not really their father and Mary would be so disappointed in you!" the last sentence came out with a yell, he had gone too far and he knew it. It was a low blow bringing up Mary, but necessary.

When he looked at John he saw a tear rolling down his face, he looked so lost.

Sam came out from the house and stood in front of John he looked mad at him. "I just wanted to say goodbye, we are going to a motel and driving home in the morning. It was clearly a mistake coming here." Sam was about to turn, when John spoke. "Sam?". Sam stopped and looked back at him.

"Why are you leaving?" Sam looked at him with astonishment. "Because I'm on Dean's side, Always!"

Sam went inside again and saw that Dean and Castiel had already went to the car, so he went out to join them.

John stood up and ran through the house to the car, his old car. It reminded him so much of Mary and he knew Bobby was right. She would have hated him it, for not accepting their son exactly as he was.

Dean was about to enter the car, when a hand on his arm stopped him. He looked up and there he met the regretful eyes of John Winchester. "Stay... Stay here tonight" He asked, almost pleaded.

Dean blinked at a single tear ran down his face as he was embraced in his father's arms.

 _Thank you for reading :)_

 _The next chapter is gonna be out in a little while, but like today._


	41. Epilogue

_Hi Guys_

 _So this is the end og Afraid of who I am, I hope you enjoyed the ride. I know it has taking me forever to finish and I think I learned that if I ever posts one again I will finish it before posting it. I have actually already started another much nice and fluffier one, but t's probably going to take forever to finish. I hope you will enjoy._

Dean was on his way home from work, from the Winchester & Singer garage. After his dad passed away 6 years ago he took over the garage, because that felt like the right thing for him to do. He loved working at the garage and always felt happy going home, most of all because he went home to his three favorite people in the whole world . His husband of eight years now, to the date, and their daughter Claire and their son Ben.

They had moved to Dean's parents house when John died and a year later they had gotten Claire. Their little ray of sunshine or maybe rather their little ball of hot fury. She was quite a mouthful. They had gotten her when she was 4 and couldn't understand why her mom and dad wasn't around anymore. We went to therapy with her and now when she was 9 and doing quite well. Ben they got 2 years ago, his mother died in a car crash and no one wanted the kid. He was also 4 when they got him, he was a miniature of Dean. Outgoing and loudmouthed, but still soft as a teddy bear. For some reason he had had a better understanding of his whole situation and had just latched himself onto Dean and seemed all in all alright.

When Dean opened the door he was almost knocked down by the two kids. They were hugging him and then pulling him to the stairs and him and Castiel's room. In there was a towel and a set of clothes laid on the bed.

"Hurry dad! A shower! You have to hurry!" They were way to excited to not just do what they asked. Dean however was still so very confused. When he came out only wearing boxers Claire ran past him to the bathroom and Ben took the clothes from the bed and pushed it at him " put it on dad! put it on! put it on! put it on!" He yelled and giggled and laughed, while jumping up and down.

When he was done putting on the clothes, the y obviously had picked for him. Claire sat him down on the bed and started styling his hair. He tolerated everything she did until she was trying to put make-up on him, which he right out refused.

When the kids thought he looked handsome they pulled him down stairs to the dining room and yelled happy anniversary. The table was beautiful and the food smelled delicious, then Castiel came in and he looked, well fairly silly, but in the most handsome way any man could wear a pink button up with baby blue embroidery and make-up. He clearly hadn't resisted the two rascals.

Dean and Castiel embraced each other and pecked each other's lips tenderly. Claire and Ben jumped up and down snickering. Claire tried to seem like she found is disgusting but couldn't hold back her happy giggles.

Then a honk sounded from outside and the kids grabbed their packed bags and run out to Bobby and got in. They were gonna spend the weekend at his place, while Dean and Castiel celebrated their 8 years anniversary.

They ate the food Claire and Ben had helped Castiel prepare and surprisingly enough it had turned out very delicious. They were talking about their days and everything and nothing and they just felt incredibly happy having each other.

When they were done eating, hey cleared the table and Dean went to wash the dishes but Castiel embraced him from behind. He hold him close and pushed their bodies tight together and they fit perfectly.

Castiel put his lips to Dean's ear and whispered "I love you Dean... I need you". Dean could hear the urgency in his voice. He turned around in his arms and pushed himself against Castiel until he pushed him against a wall. He looked into his eyes so green met blue and everything else was forgotten. Right that moment it was almost like being back in school those 10 years ago. Dean brushed Castiels' lips teasing him, but he himself couldn't handle it much longer so he attacked Castiel's lips. their tongues swirling in a fight for domination, but neither of them won, until Dean bit Castiel's lower lip and Castiel moaned. He had never learned to resist Dean and Dean knew exactly what to do.

He kissed and bit down Castiel's neck and made just a few small marks, just like all those years ago. He kissed down to his ridiculous shirt opening and kissed down his chest while opening it button by button. Castiel pulled him up and kissed him hard and rough and desperate. He started tugging at Dean's shirt buttons and finally slid it off of him. He went to caressing Dean's chest , while kissing down to his nipples, which he had learned was quite sensitive, biting softly and pulling slightly. Dean moaned and caught his breath a couple of times. He had to have his Angel and fast.

He picked Castiel up from the floor and carried him up the stairs to their room and almost threw him on the bed. Dean pulled off his own pants and then crawled on top of his Angel. He kissed him lovingly while unbuttoning his pants and his down his chest until he reached his pants. He pulled his pants and boxers of and kissed from his right ankle up to his thigh and repeated this and his left leg.

Castiel could just lie there and feel like he was floating. When he reached his thigh again he didn't stop and kissed all over his length. Castiel was now a moaning mess and Dean watched him through his eyelashes while taking in his length. "Dean... orh... Dean!" Castiel's fingers was in Dean's hair caressing and tugging lightly. Trying to express the pleasure he was feeling. He was close the sight of Dean looking up and him while sucking him was almost enough to finish him.

Castiel pulled dean from his member and up, so he could kiss him and taste himself on his lips. Castiel caressed his back and his cheeks and pulled Dean's boxers off. He felt up his chest and almost all the way down to his member, but teased him a little by only caressing and it until he didn't want to wait anymore. He grabbed Dean's length and jerked his hand up and down. First slowly until Dean couldn't get anything coherent out of his mouth. " Ohr... yeah.. Cas... CAS... My... ". Then he sped up, until he could feel Dean was close. Then he stopped. They kissed each other lovingly and Dean's hands went to Castiel's entrance where he started preparing him.

He pressed one of his fingers inside Castiel and Castiel didn't need more than that before he was a moaning mess again. "Orh... Dean ... yeah... I... I need you! ". Castiel grabbed both their pricks and caressed them together slowly. With that Dean hurried up preparing Cas, he started pounding him with one finger and he could hear his Angel moan " Dean.. Arh.. more" With his other hand Castiel tore at Deans back with his nails he was so close. "Dean... I need you... Now!" It was so urgent that Dean couldn't do anything else but obey.

He moved himself down and pushed himself through Castiel's entrance and all the way in. Castiel groaned and Dean paused when he was all the way inside him. He looked into his Angels eyes and put their foreheads together. "Move.. " Castiel groaned. And their lips clashed as Dean began to move. Castiel caressed Deans face while they moved together in a perfect pace. Castiel was reaching his high " Dean I... I'm... orh... Dean!" That was enough to push Dean over the edge "Cas... orh... I... mhmm".

They were laying there still connected and panting. Dean put their foreheads together once again and whispered " I love you, my Angel". Castiel Pecked his lips, smiled at him and answered " I love you too".

The End

 _Thank you guys for reading, I hope you enjoyed._


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